Putting it back together

Been a naughty boy and not blogged for a week, so better do some catching up

My mental health is continuing to make good steady progress. I am finding it a lot easier to get out of bed in the morning, even on weekends. This to me is a great sign as the difficulty getting up in the morning was one of the first signs I was in trouble this time last year. I'm certainly a lot less tired which shows I'm getting some quality sleep, though I still have the occasional odd wakening in the small hours.

I think people at work are a lot happier with my performance - the old Rob is out and about much more often and I certainly feel much more self motivated.

So work is coming back together what about my fitness?

Well..... I've done a few short runs in the past week 3 or 4 miles. No objectives or goals to them, just run at a comfortable pace for the fun of it. Swimming is coming along as well I'm nearly at the stage of being able to do 2 lengths of front crawl. Backstroke and Breaststroke I can go a lot further in. Refereed an U-16 Rugby game on Sunday which was hard work in the heat, some poor sod broke his arm in the first 2 minutes. Could tell by just looking at it nice little bulge in the forearm.

Anyway enough of my ramblings night, night. I'll try and not make it a week till my next update.

I'm not going mad

Been on a mini-exercise freak out. Sunday morning was the referee in an U-15's Rugby match and swimming lesson on Sunday Evening.
My swimming instructor doesn't believe in making things easy for you. Warm up with 5 lengths then start doing lengths of the pool using backstroke. Oh the first half dozen was legs only! Once we were fully warmed up it was into sprint lengths. Its beginning to sound like a running session.

Talking of which I braved running outside yesterday. Bit of cross country over brick hard paths and trails with a couple of lumps thrown in for good measure. Hard work but felt good about myself at the end of it - 2.94 miles in 27:36 seconds. Not very long but a couple of them a week should see me getting back into the swing of things.

Went to see the shrink again today - this time with MrsW. He took her in for a chat leaving me outside to while away the time, so I help myself to BUPA's free coffee. When I got called in we talked a lot about the previous session and how I felt about seeing him. I think he had is diagnosis confirmed. I'm perfectly sane and don't have a psychiatric defect. It's more a case of suffering from burn-out and having difficulty recharging.

A lot of these problems come from me myself and the way I am. I have as he described it obsessive traits - not tendencies just traits. When I grasp onto something I don't let go off it until it's finished. I set myself high standards and beat myself up when I don't eet them. FLM05 is a case in point. A lot of people would give their right leg to do it in 4:21 - I'm was (and still am) ashamed of that run.

This puts a strain on the amount of mental energy I have or in scientific terms how much of certain chemicals I have stored in my brain. As I go through my day worrying about things and getting anxious the more energy I use and the less there is for working.

Basically I should lighten up. I fret and worry all the time what people think of me? am I doing a good job? Am I in trouble for something? wheras I sometimes I should just do something and be damned about it. To help me do this I've to start a course of cognitive therapy which should teach/train me into being more relaxed and going with the flow.

This is going to be interesting

Restful nights

The shrinks advice seems to be working.

I've been splitting my does of Citalapram into 20mg in the morning and evening taken with food. My sleep seems to be better and I have more energy during the day. Previously I was taking the lot of it just before I went to bed.

Just need to see if it keeps up. Here's hoping!

The Shrink

I've been taking some exercise of late, not a great deal but some none the less. Best has been 3 miles on the Treadmill yesterday and my Swimming lesson on Sunday. Swimming teacher decided to do endurance training but cunningly disguised as distance awards. Simply put swim as many lengths as you can in 15 mins. I managed 18 - not bad considering most of it was breaststroke. I've now got a 400m badge, though I don't think I'll be sewing it onto my towel.

Today was my visit to the Phsyciatrist ( aka the shrink ). I was apprehensive about this, what where we going to talk about? Maybe the subjects would be painful to talk about?

In a way some of my fears were realised but on the other hand some where laid to rest. We talked about my "breakdown" did it remind of anything from my childhood? We talked about my relations with my wife, children, parents and brother most of which I don't want to go into here.

There was some good news. He recgonised a few things as side effects of my medication.
Vivid dreams - so vivid I actually remember and believe things said in them.
Weight gain - Citalapram gives you carbohydrate cravings and can add a stone in weight quite easily.
Now I know this I can understand myself a bit better.

He isn't really sure what is causing my depression as there doesn't seem to be anything in particular - though he did single out that I seem to be emotionally fragile always afraid of being a failure. He has recommended that I see a cognotive therapists to try and improve on that.

He has come up with a couple of suggestions in the mean time

He thinks my body is running out of Citalapram during the morning and that I should take 20 mg in the evening and 20 mg in the morning. He's not even sure I should be on it, it may be causing more problems than it solves.

I've only have a reduced amount of mental energy (Synapsis (or something only have so much seratonin)- going hammer and tongs at something (as I can) will only exhaust it but there won't be warning signs. When exhausted it will be difficult to recharge - so no late night sessions on the computer. Rest and relaxation is the key

I've to go and see him next week, this time I've taken MrsW is to come with me as he wants to talk to her - hmm now that is a scary thought.......