Hot and Bothered

It's been a while since I last blogged but I've been a bit busy.

Was part of the support crew for Leon, V-rap, Duck and Pixie at Trailwalker. They recorded a fantastic sub-26 hour walk. In some perverse way I really enjoyed being woken up at 1 in the morning and told to get the kettle on. I may even have to be support crew next year. The adventure is written up properly here.

What else have I been up to? Buying and assembling a trailer to carry all the camping stuff for our holidays in just over 2 weeks. Various house admin tasks and working.

Work still has its good days and bad days. The beginning of this week was good, all was not well with a test build so I got to look at what was wrong. With the help of others got it to the stage where it didn't need quite so much of my time. Wednesday was a bad day couldn't get going and seemed to drift through the day. Today I was at an all-day off-site meeting. It was OK chipped in when I needed to, otherwise play with the laptop wireless connection - reading e-mails.

Now for the main part.
Had an appointment with the company Doctor last week. This time with my boss. My boss had a half hour chat with the doc and Human resources without me first. This was one of the most uncomfortable meetings I've had. I struggle to work out if it was good or bad.

My performance at work is not what it used to be, so its a sign that I'm still not altogether better. So I'm to be put on a "Performance Improvement Plan" or a PIP as a way of monitoring my progress. To me this carries a great deal of stigma. A PIP is normalled reserved for people that are not pulling their weight and are in danger of being sacked for poor performance. I'm not in danger of this - I'm on this because I need help in getting better, but I don't like the idea of not being trusted and being monitored. I found the thought of this so distressing that I actually started crying in the meeting.

The doctor is also unhappy with my recovery. He feels that I have entered a plateau stage. I've got 80% of the way back, but I still have problems that need resolving. What the problems are he doesn't know and he feels that I'm unable to recognise the problems for what they are. To this end he has recommended that I see a Pyschologist for a proper in-depth probing. Again I see this as having a stigma I know I shouldn't but I do. Perhaps that's part of my problem I see failures or weaknesses by me as some kind of dishonour, causing me to question my value. instead I should just see them as the things that make us human. After all a few people have said I can be hyper-critical of myself.

I go see my own doc next week and she'll do the referal. The company health insurance want be to see a Pyschiatrist first before they'll pay for a Pyschologist . Mad ain't it!