Run Rob Run

Yes - I'm still here

2006-11-12T21:49:00.000Z

Life is seriously hectic at the moment and I don't have a lot of time to post, so here is a quick one

Thanks for all the smiles and support guys. I do feel a lot better.

Work is taking up a lot of time at the moment. Meetings with suppliers, reviewing their inputs and preparing for a big customer presentation in a month. Add on the extra 2 hours of travel a day, not a lot is left.

I'm trying to really cut down (eliminate) internet usage at work. This is going well, so thats a sign I'm engaged and positive. I do have the occasional temptation but I'm resisting. I'll have to type blog entries into a text file and upload it at lunchtime.

Anyway time to go 10:00 is my bed-time

What does the O stand for?

2006-11-01T12:58:00.000Z

Oh my god its early. This is one of my favourite lines from Good Morning Vietnam and seems rather appropriate now. As I write this its 06:35 and I'm on a train heading towards London. To get here I had to get up at the rather unsocial hour of 5:30. Enough of my whinging, what have I been up to?

Spent a week on Holiday in Yorkshire. Great place if a little cold and damp, especially if you are staying in a static caravan. At least it had a gas fire to keep us warm. Visited several different places though the kids (and my favourite) was the National Rail Museum at York. I must be an Engineer, being able to touch Mallard the fastest every Steam Engine was fantastic.

New job is going well. Have a meeting with a sub-contractor this morning hence the reason for the early start this morning. Got some interesting news from the company the day before I went on Holiday. I'm offically on a 3 month trial period and my base location is still my old office. If all goes well and nothing bad happens then I'll transfer permenantly at the end of the 3 months.

Although this may seem a little odd it is actually good news for me. As I'm still based on the South Coast I'm now allowed to claim travelling expenses to my new office during the 3 month trial - result.

I'm very glad to report that my mental health is also much improved. The new job is making me think but in a wider view rather than microscopic view of specific technical detail in my last job. Had the first appointment with the Psycologist before I went on Holiday and he's told me to get exercising. He believes that by getting my body back under control and losing some weight will help me even more. He even said "Right - when do start doing more exercise?". Something tells me he'll be asking what I've been upto when I go back next week.
To show willingness I've been researching the Fitness Centre that is on the office complex I'm now at. Gym Membership is £28 pm somewhat more thant the £1.55 I paid at my last place. I tend not to use the gym equipment anyway. I just want changing rooms and a locker. They offer a runners membership for £15 pm This allows access to the changing rooms and stretching area along with access to the fitness staff for advice. I suppose if I'm forking out money for this then I going to make sure I run. I've got an appointment with the Gym staff on Friday....

Oh I like this

2006-10-19T16:32:00.000Z

Been a baptism of (friendly) fire the past 2 days on the new job front.

Yesterday was my first day and we had a major design review with the customer. I sat/stood at the back of the room all day and stayed quiet. Everything went well at the review so good start. To prove what a small world it is one of our sub-contractors is a chap a know from about 7 years ago.

This morning was a visit to a Sub-contractor that is just inside the M25, so I had to battle with the worlds largest car park. OK it was a little after 9 when I got on it and wasn't anything like as bad as I'd expected.

MrsW is beginning to wander if my job is now that of a food critic. I've been on the job 2 days and someone has given me lunch on both days. And to cap it off I received an invite to my new division's christmas lunch in London!!

You can probably tell my smile is from ear to ear!

New Job

2006-10-17T11:47:00.000Z

I've got a new job!!

After searching through the internal vacancies and applying for a couple of jobs I had an interview this morning with the program manager and the Chief Engineer. I was asked to hang around after the interview while they discussed things between themselves. 5 minutes later they came out and offered me the job.

So I'm now the Deputy Chief Engineer of the project. I won't say too much about the job (commercial sensitivities etc) but it will involve a lot of travelling to meet suppliers and customers. The only downside is that its 40 miles from home and there is no direct train. I'll have to trade in the car and get a company car and the cost of fuel will be a fair bit, but I think I will really enjoy this job.

And to put icing on the cake I've just had an e-mail from Hampshire Rugby - I've been allocated the 2 tickets I asked for the Scotland v England game at Twickenham.

End of an era

2006-10-06T20:10:00.000Z

I've taken some serious body blow's the past 2 days.

Received a letter from the company yesterday requiring me to attend a discipline review about my internet usage. I was absolutely horrifed and very very stressed to the point where I couldn't stop pacing up and down in my own home. Made a few phone calls and someone from work came round to see that I was alright.

The review was today and I found it very stressful and broke down on several occasions. Fortunately I had brought along someone that I trusted to act as a representative. I tried to point out that my internet usage is symptomatic of my overall lack of motivation and difficulty in concentrating. The manager and HR struggled to understand this and at one point weren't going to allow input from the company doctor. They did however speak to the Doctor briefly and will await his report to see what if any action is to be taken.

Then the real body blow. After the formal completion of the review I was told that the customer have requested that I be removed from the project and their site with immediate effect. I was absolutely distraught about this. I have spent the past seven years of my life working on this system - seeing it into operations, sorting out its teething troubles and finally preparing for a major hardware upgrade. To leave the project in this way is heartbreaking.

So what now? I'm still directed to be away from work, but I, HR and the management team are endevouring to find me a new job within my Company. I'm very hopeful - I'm a good worker its just I'm having troubles just now. Some project or other will want me as long as its not on a customer site!

Management Directed Time

2006-10-01T20:27:00.000Z

Had a bad start to last week, picked up in the middle and fell apart on Friday.

Got spotted on the internet by a Senior Customer manager and had some explaining to do, well not really I was on and I shouldn't have been and I wasn't going to lie. This is problem I have, when I'm down I'm very easily distracted and can lose motivation, hence internet usage. Somebody found something interesting for me to do. Turn an IBM pSeries server on AIX into a Linux server. A lot of geekyness ensued.

Had an appointment with the Phsyciatrict hosptial that will be doing my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. They just wanted to sound me out a bit to see what they could offer. In the end they decided on anxiety management CBT. They did suggest a group session but that is Mid-morning 25 miles from work. Not great timing. However my CBT will be a lot closer to work.

Towards the end of the week I was still trying to get the server up and running, wouldn't reboot so was giving the Internet a hammering looking at all the Linux forums trying to work out what could be wrong. In the end managed to work out it was firmware issue on the IBM machine itself and not Linux. Did another re-install and off it went, yipee. came of out of the lab and sat at my desk for a couple moments and checked what was going in the world. Had just gone to Apache's site to download a webserver when I got called into a quiet room and was told that I had been spotted on the internet again and the customer had complained!! I was shocked how could they??? I had been in the lab most of the day and researching issues as directed by the customer. I nearly broke down there and then. My managers were supportive and said just to go home while they sorted the matter out. I was in tears in the car.

Got a phone call from my managers manager (do you call them grandmanagers?) this evening. He hadn't been able to get to the bottom of it but feared that until something was sorted my mental health was seriously at risk. He told me to talk tomorrow off as management directed time (Company pays for it). He was at great lengths to point out that this was not discipilnary action it was for my own wellbeing. He needs to talk to HR but I think he wants me to be moved away from the glare of customer attention to a comapny site so that I don't have the stress of worried about whether the customer thinks I'm slacking or not. You can't say fairer than that. With the exception of doing my apprasial when told not to, I have had a great deal of support from my managers and for that I'm truly grateful

Putting it back together

2006-09-19T20:54:00.000Z

Been a naughty boy and not blogged for a week, so better do some catching up

My mental health is continuing to make good steady progress. I am finding it a lot easier to get out of bed in the morning, even on weekends. This to me is a great sign as the difficulty getting up in the morning was one of the first signs I was in trouble this time last year. I'm certainly a lot less tired which shows I'm getting some quality sleep, though I still have the occasional odd wakening in the small hours.

I think people at work are a lot happier with my performance - the old Rob is out and about much more often and I certainly feel much more self motivated.

So work is coming back together what about my fitness?

Well..... I've done a few short runs in the past week 3 or 4 miles. No objectives or goals to them, just run at a comfortable pace for the fun of it. Swimming is coming along as well I'm nearly at the stage of being able to do 2 lengths of front crawl. Backstroke and Breaststroke I can go a lot further in. Refereed an U-16 Rugby game on Sunday which was hard work in the heat, some poor sod broke his arm in the first 2 minutes. Could tell by just looking at it nice little bulge in the forearm.

Anyway enough of my ramblings night, night. I'll try and not make it a week till my next update.

I'm not going mad

2006-09-12T21:26:00.000Z

Been on a mini-exercise freak out. Sunday morning was the referee in an U-15's Rugby match and swimming lesson on Sunday Evening.
My swimming instructor doesn't believe in making things easy for you. Warm up with 5 lengths then start doing lengths of the pool using backstroke. Oh the first half dozen was legs only! Once we were fully warmed up it was into sprint lengths. Its beginning to sound like a running session.

Talking of which I braved running outside yesterday. Bit of cross country over brick hard paths and trails with a couple of lumps thrown in for good measure. Hard work but felt good about myself at the end of it - 2.94 miles in 27:36 seconds. Not very long but a couple of them a week should see me getting back into the swing of things.

Went to see the shrink again today - this time with MrsW. He took her in for a chat leaving me outside to while away the time, so I help myself to BUPA's free coffee. When I got called in we talked a lot about the previous session and how I felt about seeing him. I think he had is diagnosis confirmed. I'm perfectly sane and don't have a psychiatric defect. It's more a case of suffering from burn-out and having difficulty recharging.

A lot of these problems come from me myself and the way I am. I have as he described it obsessive traits - not tendencies just traits. When I grasp onto something I don't let go off it until it's finished. I set myself high standards and beat myself up when I don't eet them. FLM05 is a case in point. A lot of people would give their right leg to do it in 4:21 - I'm was (and still am) ashamed of that run.

This puts a strain on the amount of mental energy I have or in scientific terms how much of certain chemicals I have stored in my brain. As I go through my day worrying about things and getting anxious the more energy I use and the less there is for working.

Basically I should lighten up. I fret and worry all the time what people think of me? am I doing a good job? Am I in trouble for something? wheras I sometimes I should just do something and be damned about it. To help me do this I've to start a course of cognitive therapy which should teach/train me into being more relaxed and going with the flow.

This is going to be interesting

Restful nights

2006-09-08T09:23:00.000Z

The shrinks advice seems to be working.

I've been splitting my does of Citalapram into 20mg in the morning and evening taken with food. My sleep seems to be better and I have more energy during the day. Previously I was taking the lot of it just before I went to bed.

Just need to see if it keeps up. Here's hoping!

The Shrink

2006-09-05T19:11:00.000Z

I've been taking some exercise of late, not a great deal but some none the less. Best has been 3 miles on the Treadmill yesterday and my Swimming lesson on Sunday. Swimming teacher decided to do endurance training but cunningly disguised as distance awards. Simply put swim as many lengths as you can in 15 mins. I managed 18 - not bad considering most of it was breaststroke. I've now got a 400m badge, though I don't think I'll be sewing it onto my towel.

Today was my visit to the Phsyciatrist ( aka the shrink ). I was apprehensive about this, what where we going to talk about? Maybe the subjects would be painful to talk about?

In a way some of my fears were realised but on the other hand some where laid to rest. We talked about my "breakdown" did it remind of anything from my childhood? We talked about my relations with my wife, children, parents and brother most of which I don't want to go into here.

There was some good news. He recgonised a few things as side effects of my medication.
Vivid dreams - so vivid I actually remember and believe things said in them.
Weight gain - Citalapram gives you carbohydrate cravings and can add a stone in weight quite easily.
Now I know this I can understand myself a bit better.

He isn't really sure what is causing my depression as there doesn't seem to be anything in particular - though he did single out that I seem to be emotionally fragile always afraid of being a failure. He has recommended that I see a cognotive therapists to try and improve on that.

He has come up with a couple of suggestions in the mean time

He thinks my body is running out of Citalapram during the morning and that I should take 20 mg in the evening and 20 mg in the morning. He's not even sure I should be on it, it may be causing more problems than it solves.

I've only have a reduced amount of mental energy (Synapsis (or something only have so much seratonin)- going hammer and tongs at something (as I can) will only exhaust it but there won't be warning signs. When exhausted it will be difficult to recharge - so no late night sessions on the computer. Rest and relaxation is the key

I've to go and see him next week, this time I've taken MrsW is to come with me as he wants to talk to her - hmm now that is a scary thought.......

Brief Holiday Report

2006-08-31T21:42:00.000Z

When asked about my Holiday I normally reply "So So". I enjoyed by holiday but it wasn't brilliant. Couple of reasons for this. Yet again the weather conspired again. After having an extremely hot and sunny July, August was damp and cold. This is now the third year in a row that we have camped and had at best mediocre weather.

The other reason was the campsite wasn't that great either. The pitches were massive and well kept, but the toliet and shower facilities were a bit antiqued and not the cleanest. It didn't help when someone thought it was fun to write graffiti on the walls and they didn't always use a pen. So long and short wouldn't go to that campsite again.

Having said that we did do some good things.

Went to a Fish Restuarant that does traditional fish and chips in Braunton, place called Squires. This place is so good Rick Stein recommends it. Massive pieces of fish and perfectly cooked chips.

Went bodyboarding as often as the weather would allow. Even bought myself a "Shorty" wet-suit. Body boarding is great fun and something for me and the big 2 to do when MrsW and Small W are on the beach. Certainly the beaches round Saunton, Croyde and Woolacombe are great for it. Just need to avoid the surfers, it will hurt if one of them hits you.
Hired some bikes and tag along's and cycled along the Tarka Trail. Fastest trip we had between Braunton and Barnstaple.

Nothing much else to say, except planning next years holiday already. This time it will be in July and at a different campsite - we found a really good one nearby and scouted it out for next year.

Can I go on holiday yet?

2006-08-10T20:12:00.000Z

Hard week with several software problems to be looked at, sorted and or justified. Took a lot of mental effort on my part but rounded off on Wednesday with Ops accepting one of the builds for operational service. People seemed quite pleased with my performance, explained the issues straightforward and simply to the managers with justifications provided.

Unfortunately it went a bit downhill today, well a lot downhill. My boss discussed my Performance Improvement Plan, which I thought was a bit of a joke really since one of the things he had on it was already completed. Then came the kick in the teeth.

Without warning he then pulled out my apprasial the one he was told not to do!! "We can do this now" he said and proceed to mark my down as a "Basic contributer" on a scale of 1 - 5 where 1 is excellent this is a 4. I was very upset by this. Why are they doing this!! I'm giving the best I can but I'm not well. I could try and make a stink about it but I'm not sure what it would achieve.

Also happened to have an appointment with the Company Doc. Mentioned it to him, he tried to calm me by saying its not the first time the company had pulled this stunt. The company seems to go through a supporting stage then a arse kicking stage in some attemtp to kick-start people. This ain't going to work with me, if anything its going to make it worse.

Came home to a bit of good news. Got an appointment to see the shrink the week after I come back from Holiday. Talking of holiday, just need to survive tomorrow then its 2 weeks off. I can not wait. I need my break

Preventative Shutdown

2006-08-05T21:32:00.000Z

Work this week has been absolutely manic. There are ugly problems springing up everyway with the test system. I've got about 3 Severity 1 issues to deal with at the one time. From going from the pottering along to giving everything I've got has happened in the blink of an eye.

In the end I think I overcooked things a bit this week. I spent all of Wednesday puttimg a lot of effort into trying to understand a problem and came up with nothing. To make matters worse at the close of play on Wednesday I had 2 Project Managers, 1 Programme Manager and an Engineering manager parked at my desk, trying to work out what we are going to do next. I had a meeting at 9 the following morning and I didn't have any answers to give.

Things weren't helped when I was sent on a wild goose chase by a certain large car parts retailer, that said they had found the piece for my trailer I needed, only to drive to the store that said they had it, to find out they didn't!!! To really cap it off I had a really bad night's sleep on Wednesday.

Went to work Thursday had some breakfast and powered on my laptop. Opened up e-mail and then couldn't bring myself to opening any mail for fear of what it might bring. Started feeling really agitated and walking up and down the corrider for no reason. These are some serious red flags and I decided I wasn't even going to try and battle on. I was going to stop and right there and then. I grabbed one of the bosses and explained the situation to him and left for home.

I was perfectly fine the following day and went to work as normal and it was if nothing had every happened. I did have to have a serious chat with my direct boss about my absence - his problem is knowing whether he can give me anything to taxing out not. I think we came to the conclusion it was one of those things.

Taking the good points from this little episode. I recognised the problem about to happen and did something about it which probably helped keep it to a short "bounce"

Bizarre gifts

2006-08-01T19:46:00.000Z

Saw my doc this morning. And she wholeheartedly agreed with the company Doc that I should now seek the help of a mental health professional. Fortunately I've got company health insurance and I've been refered to a private consultant so it shouldn't be too long before I get an appointment. We also discussed either upping or changing my medication as I'm still having sleep problems, which mean I tire easily and then lose motiviation/drive. Bit of a vicous circle really.

Forced myself into the gym at lunchtime - only lasted 18 minutes on the tready before I gave up through lack on energy. Did 5 minutes of rowing and that was it. Bit depressing really but as I said yesterday small bits at a time. It was better than no exercise at all.

Got the most bizarre gift from company - we'll everyone did. I work for a large American company that can do anything from a Fuel tank for the space shuttle to Biometric security system. Well I got today a cook book, yes a cook book. Its full of recipes from people from our divisional headquarters back in the States. This raised a laugh, then we started reading some of the recipes, there was Intercontinental Ballistic Breakfast Tacos but our favourite was Squirel Stew. For anyone wondering yes the ingredients list started with 4 Squirels, Now where have I put my shotgun...

Eating Elephants

2006-07-31T21:07:00.000Z

I've often been told the thing about eating an elephant. If you try and eat it in one go you ain't going to do it. Cut it into small pieces and you will. I'm trying to put that into practise. Little steps all the time are better than aiming for one big one and failing.

I suppose I was rewarded yesterday for this when I was asked to move up a swimming class. I'm now in Adult Improver III. That bouyed me up a little. Work followed the same pattern. There are a few nasty problems in the test system and the pressure is on to get the answers. This is fair and square down my street.

I do seem to have adopted a new view on it. I've tried really hard not to look at all the problems at the one time. Just pick one to concentrate on and then delegate the others to other people in the team. I then ask how things are at various points of the day. More seems to get done. Having said that I've never really liked asking people to do things for me because it can seem like ducking your responsibilty. There seems to be a pattern forming here......

Been for a run!

2006-07-29T18:12:00.000Z

Shock horror I actually went for a run this morning. Didn't really feel looking going for a run but I don't really want to be buying anymore new clothes because I'm too fat to wear my current ones. I seem to be putting on weight at about a lb or 2 a week!!

I know its my own fault putting too much in my mouth and not enough exercise. So I decided to start doing something about it.

It wasn't a long run 3.4 miles in 30 minutes, but it's a run. Didn't enjoy it but you never do when going back to something. Got a large blister on my heel as well for my troubles.

Anyway its done. Tomorrow is swimming and Monday will be cycling to work. Run on Tuesday, enough time for the blister to heal. I hope!

Hot and Bothered

2006-07-27T21:17:00.000Z

It's been a while since I last blogged but I've been a bit busy.

Was part of the support crew for Leon, V-rap, Duck and Pixie at Trailwalker. They recorded a fantastic sub-26 hour walk. In some perverse way I really enjoyed being woken up at 1 in the morning and told to get the kettle on. I may even have to be support crew next year. The adventure is written up properly here.

What else have I been up to? Buying and assembling a trailer to carry all the camping stuff for our holidays in just over 2 weeks. Various house admin tasks and working.

Work still has its good days and bad days. The beginning of this week was good, all was not well with a test build so I got to look at what was wrong. With the help of others got it to the stage where it didn't need quite so much of my time. Wednesday was a bad day couldn't get going and seemed to drift through the day. Today I was at an all-day off-site meeting. It was OK chipped in when I needed to, otherwise play with the laptop wireless connection - reading e-mails.

Now for the main part.
Had an appointment with the company Doctor last week. This time with my boss. My boss had a half hour chat with the doc and Human resources without me first. This was one of the most uncomfortable meetings I've had. I struggle to work out if it was good or bad.

My performance at work is not what it used to be, so its a sign that I'm still not altogether better. So I'm to be put on a "Performance Improvement Plan" or a PIP as a way of monitoring my progress. To me this carries a great deal of stigma. A PIP is normalled reserved for people that are not pulling their weight and are in danger of being sacked for poor performance. I'm not in danger of this - I'm on this because I need help in getting better, but I don't like the idea of not being trusted and being monitored. I found the thought of this so distressing that I actually started crying in the meeting.

The doctor is also unhappy with my recovery. He feels that I have entered a plateau stage. I've got 80% of the way back, but I still have problems that need resolving. What the problems are he doesn't know and he feels that I'm unable to recognise the problems for what they are. To this end he has recommended that I see a Pyschologist for a proper in-depth probing. Again I see this as having a stigma I know I shouldn't but I do. Perhaps that's part of my problem I see failures or weaknesses by me as some kind of dishonour, causing me to question my value. instead I should just see them as the things that make us human. After all a few people have said I can be hyper-critical of myself.

I go see my own doc next week and she'll do the referal. The company health insurance want be to see a Pyschiatrist first before they'll pay for a Pyschologist . Mad ain't it!

Is the blog broken

2006-07-06T14:15:00.000Z

Just noticed that my blog doesn't seem to be working!!!

Maybe a new post will help.

Long Time No Blog

2006-07-03T11:41:00.000Z

Is it really 2 and a bit weeks since my last entry? So what's been happening?

Using an aviation term I've been suffering from light to moderate turbulance over the past couple of weeks. On one occasion I got home from work and just wanted to cry. Don't know why just wanted to. Ok I suppose I know what was up this business of the apprasial it was starting to cause me stress, added with the fact that I was to be put on a Performance improvement plan (PIP). This was a real jolt to the confidence.

Fortunately my boss went to see the company doctor and the doc explained in no uncertain terms that I should not be appraised or put on a PIP. I think my boss was quite relieved about that as it gave him a get out of jail free card with both HR and the customer. What I do have is a chat between me, the comapny doc, the boss and HR. The point of the chat is to see what has to be done to get me better at work, not how long it will be.

Another source of stress has been MrsW going for a job interview. Its at the boys school as Learning Support Assistant, we'd been on tenterhooks to see if she got invited for interview and then we she did the wait for the job interview itself, its been a long time since MrsW has been interviewed for anything. The great news is she got the job!!! We are both very pleased with that. Since then I've been sleeping better and am a bit happier alround.

OK that's the tough stuff over with.

I'm helping out as a supporter for Four Fit Females or is it Four Fit Friends at trailwalker in just under 2 weeks time. I'm really looking forward to this, bit of an adventure camping out without the kids and driving around Hants and Sussex. The best bit is I get to meet some bloggers for the very first time.

I've also turned into a bit of a computer geek. Spent most the evenings last week restoring an old computer into service as a Linux Web, FTP and File server. I've even taken the step of registering it with a Dynamic IP DNS service, so i could even get access to it from work - that would however get me into a bit of bother ;-)

Anyway I've probably bored you enough so I'll sign off at that

Pros and Cons

2006-06-16T11:04:00.000Z

Been an interesting week and a bit

Work has come good on the laptop panniers. The arrived at the beginning of this week. Its really great fits the laptop and all my bits and pieces along with a change of clothing. The only problem is its a fair weight on the bike, feel a little lopsided at first, but I've got used to it. Also with the work buying it for me I feel obliged to cycle into work. Exercise is a good thing isn't it.

Saw my own Doc last week and she was pleased with my progress and she doesn't want to see me for another 4 weeks. I was feeling great maybe it was just a day after coming back from holiday. Things started taking a turn for the worse after that. Had my routine one on one with my boss and I asked how he felt things were going, I was somewhat shocked to find that people were concerned that I was underperforming. What really did annoy me was that I'll be receiving a poor 6 month apprasial.

Hold on a minute I've been off work for 2 months, shouldn't have been at work for the 2 months before that and I'm only just getting back into the swing of things. To say I'm a little miffed is an understatement. Since then I've been getting a little stressed worried about what other people are thinking about my performance. Had an appointment with the company Doctor Wednesday and I took the oportunity to discuss it with him. He told me not to worry, some people were having unreasonable expectations of me at this moment. I've taken a considerable knock and can't be expected to be back to my old self for sometime yet.

The Doc also commented that I wasn't as happy as I was, so we had a chat about the job. The conclusion is that my role needs to be better defined and what is being expected of me. He's stepped me up to 7 hours instead of the 8 because I'm not ready.

I need to get things at work sorted

I'm back

2006-06-04T20:39:00.000Z

Back from holiday a very nice relaxing camping break near Porlock in Somerset. The campsite was on National Trust land and had some fantastic walks in the woods and by the rivers. The site owner even had a riding stables at the site, so we took the opportunity of letting the boys have a pony ride near the site. They absolutely loved it.

Its the first time on Holiday that I've been happy to sit down and enjoy the surrondings. Pity I had to come back really.

So what have I come back to? Had a positive meeting with the company Doc just before I went away. He'd been in contact with my own Doc (they know each anyway). I've been approved to go to 6 hours a day with discretion to do 8 hrs on the odd day. However both him and my Doc agree that when I go to 8 hrs a day it means 8hrs a day. It is not a license to pile in the hours, despite what may be going on. Its a sentiment I fully agree with.

I took the opportunity of doing some reflecting on life in general. I definitely think I'm more relaxed about things. I'll actually sit down and have coffee with someone at work for the sake of having a coffee and a chat. Another example is that normally having come back from Holiday I'll remotely logon to work and have a browse of my e-mails. The thought hasn't even crossed my mind this time. Maybe I am better, have to see what happens next week.

Nice Project Manager

2006-05-25T11:18:00.000Z

Come to the conclusion that my swimming instructor is a sadist - very nice sadist, but a sadist all the same. Got in the pool 3 lengths warm up, then the horror 24 lengths. No problem I hear people say well here's the catch the session was

4 lengths front crawl
4 lengths front crawl kicking only
4 lengths breaststroke
4 lengths breastroke kicking only
4 lengths backstroke
4 lengths backstroke kicking only

I can't do front crawl and as much at the start, so I was asked if I wanted to move down a group which I said "Yes Please!!" to.

One of the things that has been putting me off cycling to work is carrying a laptop on my back. So I nicely asked the Project Manager if the company would be willing to buy laptop pannier bags for me and another chap. Expected to be told no. Response was actaully "
A reasonable request, give me a day or two to talk to finance to figure out how to cover the expense and I will get back to you"

Well he did - The purchasing lady has been told I've to get a "good spec" laptop pannier from our regular suppliers. I feel an Ortlieb pannier coming on.....

Anyway off on Holiday at the weekend for all of half term, so catch you later.

How Much!!

2006-05-18T11:20:00.000Z

My clothes seem to be shrinking in the wash, this is affecting trousers in particular. They seem to have gotten awfully tight of late. I had to admit defeat and weigh myself this morning, a whooping 13st 11lbs. This wouldn't be too bad if I was 6ft tall, but I'm only 5ft 7 and the ideal weight for that height is about 11st 7.

Ok There is a lot of debate about what "Ideal" actually means but being 2 st over the ideal is not the best of ideas.

A bit of history about me

About 9 years ago I weighed the best part of 15 stone, yes thats 15 stone! I struggled to get into a pair of size 36 in waist trousers. I actually resorted to buting a pair of 38" once. At this point I said no more.
I started reducing the amount I ate, walked a couple of stops to catch the bus, started cycling to work and weight came pouring off me. I was sent to work somewhere that meant I had to stay in a hotel for 10 weeks. It was at this point that I decided to start running, just a mile or 2 in the morning, but I was determined not to put the weight back on.
I then changed jobs cycled to work and ran most lunchtimes with a very competitive running partner I even managed to crack sub 40 for a 10K and was able to fit comfortable into a size 32 trousers.
Now I drive to work, haven't run in over 2 weeks and need to buy some size 36" trousers. I need to fight the fight again but I'm 9 years older and I currently don't have the same mental strength as I had then. This is going to be tough

Take a sabbitical or not.

2006-05-14T21:04:00.000Z

This was meant to be posted last week, but blogger went offline before I could actually post it!!!

"Wandered into some friends blogs and they have all started taking sabbaticals. In the same way I feel the same I feel as if I've got nothing interesting to say - did I ever have anything interesting to say I ask myself?
Of course given my recent problems some people may be a bit worried about this. I can assure you that things are going well My own Doc is happy with my progress, though she did increase my dose slightly to try and deal with the remenants of broken sleep. I take it as a good sign that she doesn't want to see me for another 4 weeks. Work is good still taking it easy and no pressure.
Been cycling to work couple of days a week, not really started running again - too much like hard work. I am however going to sign up for Adult swimming improver lessons at the local pool. I can swim but not fast and certainly not elegantly. I would like to swim at a reasonable pace and enjoy it as a workout.
And that is about that run out of things to say. Of course if anyone wants to drop me a note please do so"

OK the update

Attended my first swimming lesson. It was the hardest I have had to work since speedwork, fortunately it was only for half and hour. I was the slowest in the class by some distance, but not because of effort, just stroke inefficency. The only way to improve is to keep on going is suppose.

Bought a new (to us) car, 206 estate, utility car really. Easier and cheaper than the tank that is the VW Sharan. Pick it up on Tuesday and say goodbye to our 12 year old metro

Thin Controller moved up into Cubs and immediately went on camp for 2 nights with BigW. Came back a very happy but tired controller.

Oh Pix if your reading you won't want to read this bit. Thin Controller took his model railway to his last night of Beavers to show it off as part of one of his badges. The Beaver colony spent the whole session playing with it and Thin Controller absolutely loved showing it off.

Anyway time for me to go. Got work to go to and I need a rest after swimming

New Desk New Start?

2006-05-04T20:43:00.000Z

Sunday's discomfort has all but gone even managed to ride into work on Tuesday and Wednesday. Haven't been running for a while, but I don't want to do to much when I getting back into work, the cycling should help get the fitness back.

Work seems to be going well. I don't feel under any pressure at all. I'm still just bouncing through the day. Phoned up one of my work colleagues in the USA a chap I have a lot of contact with. He was genuinely pleased to hear my voice.

Been given a new desk in the office, moved out from my quiet - too quiet - little corner into the middle of the System Architecture Group, which I'm the main Software Person for. An altogether more lively environment. I like that need a bit of a buzz to get going, and I can now get involved in discussions more freely. Makes me feel more involved and useful.

Oh even got my Laptop - which I'm typing up this entry on from the comfort of the sofa, connected via the house wireless oh I'm being geeky now ;-)

Isle of Wight Randonee

2006-05-01T14:40:00.000Z

Rode the entire round the island route yesterday and it was tough.

Day started off earlish 7AM, bit of breakfast then cycled down to the ferry, to meet up with a friend at 8:30. The ferry terminal was somewhat crowded with cyclists of all shapes and sizes. On the island we formed a stream of cyclists to the first checkpoint (Wotton), the roads where going to be busy!

Ride to the 2nd checkpoint (Bembridge) was a bit slow - saving ourselves for the hills to come and picking our way through cycling traffic. Got our cards stamped and had some very nice flapjack things prepared by my riding partners wife, before we were off again.

Ride to to Checkpoint 3 at Alverstoke was uneventful apart from the road going up in places, quick stamp of the cards and on our way to Whitwell. My riding partner had used some computer software to analysis the route and this is were he thought most of the hills were, never mind its a fairly short section. There were hills nothing majorly big just non-stop up and down, no flat sections to recover on. I was beginning to suffer at this stage it was lunch time and I was hungry. Checkpoint 4 was a stamping only station no food to be had, but fortunately we passed a grocers that was opened and a nice big Beef Salad Baguette, followed by a banana made me feel a lot happier. I'm glad I did

The section from Whitwell to Yarmouth was to be the longest and I thought the flatest imagine my surprise when greeted with a large hill. Oh well climb up it. I was nearly at the top when I heard a cyclist in front of me go "Oh No it keeps on going up round the corner", my response is unrepeatable. Of course the good thing about going up on a bike means you can go do the other side REALLY fast and this descent was fun!!!!! Manged a just under 37 mph going down (OK I wimped and applied the brakes at some points) tootled along beside the sea for while then I look up ahead. " Is that a road I see on that cliff ahead - it is. Is that cyclist I see on it - it is, umm that's a big climb - it isn't its 2 climbs with a sharp descent in the middle" Oh joy.

Its at this point I'm really struggling, I'm finding myself being careless when checking for traffic and the likes but I struggle on. I can't remember much more about the rest of the ride apart from more painful hills, but I managed to hang on in there. I was very glad to get back to the start and get my certificate. I was so exhausted I was worried I was going to be able to make it home from the ferry. Luckily a large coffee, mars bar, flap jack and 30 mins sit down gave me enough energy to do it.

By the time I cycled to and from the ferry terminals I had covered 86 miles in 7:20:48 of saddle time. To say I'm tired and a little stiff is an understatement and its nearly 24 hrs since I got home.

The route was the clockwise way round the all island cycle route - the anticlockwise route is tougher as the hills a tend to be steeper and the really up and down stuff is at the end of the ride. Its due to be the anti-clockwise way next year. If anyone is interested I recommend it for a good, but tough day with some great scenery. Look here for more info

I may give it a go but perhaps with a little more training in the bank.....

Survival

2006-04-29T22:37:00.000Z

Wigan 1 - Portsmouth 2
Birmingam 0 - Newcastle 0

Play Up Pompey, Pompey Play Up

On yer bike

2006-04-28T21:58:00.000Z

Did the ecological thing today and cycled into work. I used to cover 3,000 miles a year on my bike as I always cycled to work because there was no other option, but then we got a 2nd car which just made me lazy.

I could lie and say the ride was good, but my lack of fitness showed as it was hard work on the up parts. Anyway it set me up for the morning. Work was somewhat calmer than yesterday, checked some paperwork, read some e-mails deleted even more. I may even have to go and find something to do next week, but that's next week 3 days off till then :-)

Baptisim of Fire

2006-04-27T20:17:00.000Z

First day back and what a day, short list of things that happened

Computer wouldn't work - set IT on the job

My new laptop has been assigned to someone else - promised new machine early next week instead

Emergency fix needed for the system.

Find out one fo the secretaries was rushed from work to hospital with suspected heart problems earlier in the week - She's now been discharged after tests, but won't be back for a couple of weeks

Another member of staff is off sick possibly for sometime

Running friend has resigned to go and work for the customer. He was the one that got my laptop - probably thought it wise to leave before I caught him!!!

oh and when my computer finally started working I had 2047 unread e-mails.

On the plus side I was able to smile my way through the day. Even had time for an appointment with the company Doc. He's told me no more than 5 hrs a day until the end of May. After an opening day like to day I'm quite pleased he said that!!!

Meeting some joggers

2006-04-26T10:50:00.000Z

Good news - My Doc passed me fit to return to work tomorrow {RobW starts turning cartwheels in excitement)

This is actually very good news as I'm getting seriously bored at home. It got so bad I had to resort to delivering freebie newspapers with MrsW - at least that's some form of exercise.

Went to Glasgow at the weekend to see some family. Bumped into a gaggle of Portsmouth Joggers on the plane as they were heading up to Lochaber for the marathon. Knew a few of them from my time at the club. Sort of convinced me that I should go back to the club for some company and to revitalise my running (which is still sadly lacking). Won't try this week though get myself settled back at work first. Oh Yeah I've got a cycle ride round the Isle of Wight to do on Sunday and I haven't been on a bike for a least 6 months could be painful.....

Test Drive

2006-04-18T18:42:00.000Z

Yes - Survived the Easter Holidays, back to normality or what passes for normality at the moment however it was a bit odd having the house that quiet again. Forced myself out the door for a morning run. Really tough starting showing how out of shape I am but I struggled on and ending up down 5 miles cross country in 45 minutes its a start.

Being thinking of getting a new car recently. Picked up a couple of brochures and even bought a car magazine (I'm not normally a car person). Spotted something I liked the new Nissan Note and went and found the nearest dealers. Salesman offered me a test drive without any prompting. Nice car quite different from the Sharan but hey its to be MY car for work and Rugby. Seriously considering it, then a friend comes and tells us about the engine going on their 18 month old Nissan - maybe I'll stick to the trust old metro....

Oh No we've got a Kevin!!

2006-04-15T10:33:00.000Z

Finally managed a run on Tuesday, slow but completed without any problems, not done anymore as with it being Easter holidays the family routine is all up the spout. When the kids go back next week it will earlier rises all round and easier to get going.

BigW has turned into a bit of a handful over the past couple of weeks which isn't like him. Then we think that he's nearly 11 and certain changes take place around then - lots of testosterone in circulation. Its like a scene out Harry Enfield, lots of strops and swinging of arms and shouting "You don't like me" he's even got a hoodie and cap. MrsW and I have just got to laugh.

Final certificate

2006-04-10T21:42:00.000Z

2nd Major fitness test passed, my own GP.

She seemed very pleased but agreed that I should take another couple of weeks off to ensure that everything was nice and settled. She gave me a final certificate which has a return to work date on it - Thursday 27th April. The start day was deliberately chosen as it means I only have to get through 2 work days before a long weekend. Phoned the Boss to tell him the good news and we are going to have a chat about a work up plan.

Happy Smiling Rob - I may even go for a run tomorrow morning!!!!

Oxford

2006-04-09T19:33:00.000Z

Great time up in Oxford. Met up with the academic that showed us a route that our coin must have come along. It went something like this

Started off life in what is now modern day Afghanistan, then south to India, Across the Indian Ocean towards Suez then into the Med via Rome and across Europe to end up in Hampshire. Not bad considering it made the journey 2000 years ago.

He then gave us a guided tour around Oxford explaining how all the different colleges worked and a peak inside his own college. Finished off with the Uni Photography Department taking some serious photos of the coin. Hopefully we'll see a copy soon. Oxford is an amazing place if slightly blighted by the traffic. I could have spent days just looking at the buildings, absolutely wonderful.

Good Progress

2006-04-05T20:50:00.000Z

1 important fitness test passed today - The Company Doctor.

He is very pleased with my progress and can certainly see a marked difference in me from 4 weeks ago. I look more relaxed and happier alround. Still not ready to go back as he agrees with my own GP that I should have 3 or 4 weeks sustained improvement. It is however really encouraging that other people are seeing a real difference in me.

Popped into work to have a meeting with the boss, normal touch base sort of stuff. There are lots of things for me to get into when I go back but he'll put me into my old job for a little while to ensure that I'm up to things. He doesn't want to risk putting me in a new environment and going off sick again - bad for me and bad for the company as someone else will have to catch any balls I had in the air at the time. Tried to bully him into giving me my new laptop, but he said I can only have it when I'm back at work. Not fair wanted my new toy. I did go down to IT and made sure it would be ready when I came back!!

Took the thin controller out for some errands and managed to get the following photo of him. Certainly makes me smile :-)

Better be going. The whole family is off to Oxford tomorrow to meet the academic that is so interested in MrsW's coin.

Upping the dose

2006-04-03T10:10:00.000Z

Picked up from my low last week. Had a Doc's appointment on Wednesday were I explained that I had been getting some good nights sleep but they seem to have stopped and I was feeling a little low. Doc though that it was the sedative of the Citalapram being negated by the body becoming accustomed to it. The underlying symptoms of Depression weren't responding.

We had a discussion about increasing the dosage but I was a little apprehensive as I felt that was a slippery slope to further and further increases. The Doc reassured me by saying that anti-depressants don't work that way. It is more a case of finding the correct dosage to deal with the level of chemical imbalance I have. So an increase in dosage it is then.

Been on the new dose for just under a week and it does seem to be having an effect. I'm feeling a lot happier in general and I'm beginning to get the occasional full nights sleep. The test will be the coming 2 weeks - School Holidays!!!

Not a good day

2006-03-27T15:46:00.000Z

My run of good days has hit a glitch. I've had a couple of difficult nights sleep and today was a struggle to get out of bed. Sort of made myself useful round the house and completed a set of sickness forms the work has sent me for the Long Term Disability Plan that they provide for their employees.

Feeling a bit better this afternoon until I went to feed Georgie the hamster. Sadly she had died. For me this is doubly upsetting for not only was she our pet but I bought her on my first day of absence with Depression way back in November and it reminds me of how long I've been ill for.

Thank you, sir

2006-03-26T21:06:00.000Z

Well I survived, in fact I quite enjoyed the experience despite the pouring rain.

The afternoon didn't get off to a great start I was later than I wanted to be arriving at the ground and found out that an assesor had been sent and was waiting for me. He explained to me that the away team was a little light on numbers, they only had 10 instead of 15 fortunately the away team were going to loan them some players to even things up.

It was a bit one sided, the home team won 53-0 but on the whole both teams enjoyed themselves. I spent awhile trying to work out if the teams were taking the Mick. Almost every decision I gave was meet with a "Thank you, sir" or "Sir,Sir" with a hand stuck up in the air schoolboy style. It was only after 15 minutes that I realised that the "Thank you, sir" was a fairly standard response to a referee and the "Sir,Sir" was some wanting to check that they were far enough back.

Finished the game and was thanked by the teams (a sign that I did a good job). Spoke to the assessor who told that I had done very well for my first game. I was obviously nervous at the start, but as the game went on it was clear I was growing in confidence. I truly enjoyed it and I'm now waiting to see if I've got a game next week. :-)

Eeekk!

2006-03-23T20:47:00.000Z

I've done it now!

I joined the Rugby Referees Society and attended their monthly meeting on Monday. I was talking to the appointments secretary and he asked if I could do a game at the weekend. I assumed he had in mind a nice simple U-13's I am a newbie after all. WRONG!

Got a phone call this evening from a local club saying I'd been appointed to there game, fair enough. Only problem is that game is a full blown adult game and a league one at that!! Oh heck. The only saving grace is that its the lowest league in the county and neither club a vying for promotion so its only honour at stake - mine! Could be interesting if I've got to tell someone off, all 5'7" of me looking up at some 6'4" Lock Forward {RobW thinks about taking some step ladders with him}

In other news:

Went running again this morning - it was either that or more brick stroke at the pool

The first trains have now run on the model railway. The loop hasn't been completed yet but thin controller and I had good fun running the trains in and out of the station area.

Now where did I put that rulebook....

Going up

2006-03-21T18:37:00.000Z

Had a strange experience this morning. Got up early put on some sports clothing and went for a run! This is my first run for 2 weeks and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Even did some cross country. Tell the truth that was the best bit, middle of a field all on my own.

As regular readers may have gathered my spirits are on their way up. I'm still waking up at odd times but the sleep I am getting is much more refreshing. This is making me feel much better in myself. Having said that I'm not rushing back to work, I'm still signed off for another 3 weeks. My plan is have a sustained settled time before going back.

Been busy with the model railway. The station area track is almost all laid and is waiting to be wired up. I then need to build some more baseboards and lay the rest of the track. Only problem is this is taking up more space than I expected. Could be a tight squeeze!

Yellow Belt and County Champions

2006-03-19T21:33:00.000Z

Big and Small W did MrsW and I proud this weekend.

Small W passed his Karate yellow belt on Saturday, it may only be the first of the coloured belts but he is only 5 year old. I wasn't able to go to the grading but Mrs W brought back some pictures

I going to have to rename him as well. His rugby group have nicknamed him "Pocket Rocket" and the name seems to have stuck at home. Sums him up nicely

As for Big W his team won the Hampshire Rugby County Championships for the U-10 age group. He was a star, his scrummaging with first class and his clearing out was brilliant (He's a front row). I suspect a few players are carrying bruises from close encounters with him and that's just his own team! The coaching staff are relieved for winning today as this has been the one tournament that has eluded the team over the past couple of years and its the most important. The kids certainly enjoyed it as they gave a rendition of "We are the Champions" after the final whistle.

The one down point is that for reasons known only to the tournament organisers extra time was not to be played after any of the knockout games. A draw was to be resolved by a toss of the coin. We got through our semi-final that way the opposition and our great local rivals where absolutely gutted. Its just not fair to do that to kids especially as they played their hearts out. I hope the organisers get the message loud and clear We would rather play extra time and be late than have to subject 10 year olds to that. Having said all that the boys deserved their stroke of good luck and put up the performance of the day in the final. Well Done guys.

Bike Bits

2006-03-17T22:30:00.000Z

This seems to have been a long week, which is odd considering I've been off work, normally the days just flow into one another. Its been a busy week. Lead a Personal Acheivement Time (PAT) activity at the school on Wednesday Afternoon and all day Thursday.
It was supposed to be bike mechanics but ended up being "See how many bits we can get the headmistresses bike into". I had a group of 5 kids between 7 and 11. Unfortunately explaining how a bike works to a group of 7 year olds goes over their head by quite some difference. We did however manage to get the bike stripped down to its frame, even got the forks off. The Head was quite pleased as it all fitted in black bag ready for the dump.

Went swimming this morning with MrsW, me to the slow lane her to the fast lane. She swims like a fish I just do the brick stroke. Found it quite hard work but then I was using muscles I don't normally use - or that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Sleep is still improving, had a couple of wake-ups but found it quite easy to get back to sleep which is an improvement on the tossing and turning

Change of time

2006-03-15T16:13:00.000Z

Saw my own Doc (and a medical student) on Monday and come out with a 4 week sicknote, though I've to go back in a couple of weeks for a review. We discussed a few things including upping the dose of my medication from 20mg to 30mg and when I take it.
I take mine in the morning but she suggested I tried taking it in the evening as Citalopram has a sedative like effect and this help me sleep. Yesterday was the first time I tried it and guess what I got the best nights sleep I've had for months. RESULT! Before I get too carried away I need to see if this becomes a consistent thing over the next week and a bit. If it is then I may be making my way out of the woods.

Two steps forward one step back

2006-03-11T11:36:00.000Z

Had another meeting with the company doctor on Thursday. First thing I tell him is that I'm off sick again. He tells me that he was quite concerned when we last met 3 weeks ago. His suspicion was that although I seemed quite calm on the outside everything was far from calm under the surface and I was only surviving through my determination to keep going. He told me that if I had still been at work I would have been facing some very searching questions from him.

What now? Well he would like to see me before I return to work and I've got a provisional appointment for 4 weeks time. Reading between the lines I think that means he expects me to be off work for at least that long. Got an appointment with my own doctor on Monday to be assessed again and be signed off again.

Change is as good as a rest

2006-03-08T17:02:00.000Z

Was at a Governors meeting last night when the Head mentioned that the ICT replacement had on the whole gone well but there was still a couple of teething problems. I piped up and said I was off-sick again so would drop in to have a word in the morning.

Last time I was off I found working at the school very pleasing so I thought it might do me some good. It turned out to be quite a hard day but it was also a very pleasing day. Sorted out a lot of the IT problems and had an interesting meeting with a pupil. He is autistic and is quite a handful at times especially at trying to run away. I was in one of computer areas when he came out of his class and stopped looking at what I was doing. His teacher ws close on his heels, she was trying to take him back but he wanted to watch me work on this computer. I said it was Ok from him to sit down and stay until his support assistant came back from the errand she was on.

He's a bright kid we talked all about his old and new computer and what he liked doing he even said bye when his support assistant came back and took him into his class.

Downside is I think I spent too much time at the school and I'm now wiped out, however I think I made a difference today and for that the effort was worth it.

No I didn't

2006-03-07T23:36:00.000Z

Had a rough nights sleep last night and was a bit difficult to get going this morning. What could that mean? Probably that my wellbeing and work aren't back to being compatible yet. Picked up the phone, spoke to the receptionist at the Doctors Surgery and arranged a weeks sick note. Got an appointment to see the Doc on Monday next week while I was at it. Then phoned work and left a voicemail for the boss.

Oh yeah I must be mad. Went running in the freezing run and I'm not preparing for a race - total bonkers if you ask me.

Decisions Decisions

2006-03-06T22:22:00.000Z

Its time to decide. My self certification time runs out today. Do I

1) Go back to work

or

2) Get a doctors note - Doc has said she is quite happy to write one

I'm feeling better, I think I'm sleeping better but its difficult to judge as there has been a number of night time visits by the kids distrubing everyones sleep. Ran this morning because I wanted to run, though I didn't have the determination to push it hard.

I've got most of my stuff sorted out for going to work. I've even got the cycling gear looked out.

My intent is to go to work, but something is nagging at me. The best thing is probably to sleep on it. If I have a good nights sleep then I must be OK and I'll go to work. If I don't get a good nights sleep then I'm not ready and I'll get a note from the Doc. Sound fair?

Trying to relax

2006-03-02T20:22:00.000Z

Got little sympathy from MrsW this morning - was rudely awoken from my dozing by a pair of flying pyjamas. No nothing to get excited about! Today has drifted by in a sea of minor chores, mindless stuff really go collect a perscription, pay in a cheque that sort of stuff. Really boring stuff but at least I feel if contributed something.

Sneaked out at lunchtime for a run, did the reverse of my country run from a few days ago. I can indeed confirm that no matter what country lanes always go up. If anything the reverse is tougher, couple of nasty kicks that hide themselves from you as they go round a corner. Didn't wear my HRM as I wasn't interested in it, only really bothered with the Garmin when I got back. Overall an enjoyable 7 miles. What running is all about.

Off the front line again

2006-03-01T22:13:00.000Z

I've had a rocky couple of weeks at work. Got a big shock on Monday when I ws told someone I work with was in hospital with a minor heart-attack, things culminated yesterday when I didn't get out of bed until gone 9, then sat on the edge of the bed thinking I wasn't up to going to work.

Duly took the hint and called in sick, though I said I might be in for the afternoon. Decided against that and stayed off for the whole day. By co-incidence I had a Doctors appointment this morning so we had a chat about it. I've been reluctant to take time off because I don't want to be seen as a shirker - but then I'm not a shirker. I've been in enough tough situations and respected enough by my peers and managers to prove that beyond doubt. The reason I'm not looking forward to going to work is because I'm unwell.

I've been toughing it out at work in the hope it was going to get better - its not and I'm in danger of running out of energy. So I agreed with my Doc that I'll take upto my 7 days of self-certificated sickness before re-assessing. She suggested signing me off for 2 weeks but work won't let me back while I'm covered by a sick note. If I'm up to it I can go back to work next week, if not I just need to phone the Doc and she'll sign me off without needing to see her again.

Went to see the chap who was ill. He hadn't actually had a heart-attack but a mini-stroke or TIA for the medics amongst us. He's been discharged from hospital but has to undergo further tests as they haven't been able to find a cause for it. As you can imagine he's had a shock and still hasn't got full feeling back in his fingers. He isn't allowed to drive so is more or less stuck at home. Told him if he wanted any company to give me a ring and I'd come round. Could even start a company sick ward - just need some pretty nurses {Rob ducks for cover}

Man with a whistle

2006-02-26T22:05:00.000Z

Went running for the fun of it yesterday - well I think it was for the fun of it.

Went out via the disused railway line then out onto a country lane. Is it just me or do Country lanes always go up even when they look if they are flat? Lovely and quiet, me, my thoughts and a sharp, biting wind. Must run that route more often even if the homeward 3 miles are along a main road.

Put my new rugby referee knowledge to good use this morning. Ref'd 3 mini's games (U-10's). These were must first ever games of refereeing at rugby. Kept on getting in the way but it was fun. I even did the "main event" of the morning between BigW's team and another local team. BigW wasn't to pleased with me as I pinged him for picking the ball out of a ruck just as he crashed over the line. He's still giving me grief about it!

I used to be a Southern Counties Hockey Umpire before the arrival of small w and if I'm honest I missed it - not the travelling but the umpiring. MrsW is encouraging me to take up adult rugby refereeing. I've got the forms in front of me, just need to fill them in and send them off

Oh yeah wasn't the rugby great on Saturday !!!! {RobW wanders off humming "Oh flower of Scotland"}

Giovanni Recommends

2006-02-24T14:02:00.000Z

Despite yesterday being my Birthday I was quite down in the dumps and its spilled over into today. Not quite up to going to work so I did some work at home.

Went out last night for a nice meal with MrsW to somewhere that we haven't been to for probably 10 years. This is a true Italian place. The owner is a complete madman and I mean MAD!!! His usual treatment of customers with birthday's is to have Happy Birthday played and for him to smash tin trays together above the head of the Birthday boy/girl. Fortunately MrsW didn't draw me to his attention.

This is also the kind of place that Giovanni would hang out with other members of his "family". There is a poster on the wall with a Godfather character and the phrase "When I want your opinion I'll give it to you". My funniest memory of eating there goes back many years to a works meal. The waiter asked someone how the food was, the guy sitting next to me jokingly said "So-so". Next thing that happens is the waiter is smacking the kitchen counter and reappears waving a meatcleaver under my colleagues nose!!!! All in jest I hasten to add.

Meal was fantastic if anyone is looking for good pasta or pizza in Portsmouth then you must go to the Pizza House in Hilsea.

Thanks everyone for there supportive comments. I feel a bit of a wimp pulling out of another marathon put hey we're not all marathon runners. I've found that the first every race I ran back in 1999, the St Dismas 10K is still going, though its now called the Two Saints 10K. Its a small race, accepts entries on the day and its only 4 weeks away. No pressure then. If feel good the day before I'll go, if I don't I won't. Simple really.

A marathon too far?

2006-02-23T12:10:00.000Z

Today is my 37th Birthday - not that I'm feeling totally ecstatic today.

Went running last night or that's what I went out intending to do. Unfortunately it went badly wrong. Ran for 1.8 miles gave up and had a long cold walk back home. Something has been gnawing at me for the past 4 weeks and that is the thought of Lochaber and my poor form is putting pressure on me. I certainly don't have the bounce and energy I had this time last year. I don't think I've got the mental or physical stamina to train for this marathon.

I've covered almost all of my miles in the past year on my own. I want to run with someone, to run whatever distance takes my fancy on the day and at whatever pace. I don't want to think "Oh God I've got to do a 16 miler at the weekend" I want to go out and say "I'm out for a run anything between 20minutes to 2hrs"

The long and the short of it is I'm going to pull out of Lochaber.

I want to enjoy running.

Time to think

2006-02-19T21:11:00.000Z

Its been over a week since I last posted so I'd better make this one a good one.

What have I been up to? Quite a lot actually.

Took 2 days holidays last week and finished flooring half the loft. See pictures below. I still need to run power up there but I'll get round to that next weekend hopefully.

Saw the Company Doc for a scheduled meeting, he was happy enough with my progress but thought it wise I stay on 25 hrs pw until my sleep settles down. He wants to see me again in 3 weeks time and until then keep to the 25 hrs, there is no rush.

Work still has its swings and roundabouts. A lot depends on what I'm doing. If someone asks me to do something on the spot it gets done and I enjoy it, but if I have a pile of work to do I have difficulty getting on with it. Had a few techie meetings to go to and made my presence felt (they are fun) In fact a few I have been invited to just so that I'm there to give advice - that sounds a bit big headed but you know what I mean. People are just happier if I'm there.

Took the rugby referees course yesterday, so unless I've done really badly on the written test paper I'm allowed to ref a rugby match. That will come in handy for doing games for BigW's age group, though someone did say the Vets quite often needed a ref. Talking of BigW he has certainly developed a front row's outlook to the game. He was sitting on the sidelines watching his team against their local rivals when all of sudden he started shouting encouragement, nothing wrong with that except he was shouting "Kill, Kill, Kill". When he played I felt sorry for his opposite number in the scrum, he was pushing him all over the place!

Managed a single 6 mile run, though I think I have come out of the CBA phase. I want to run now but been obstructed by domestic concerns Oh yeah the boiler's on the blink - Again!!

It has allowed me time to think. I've missed 3 weeks of training possibly because I wasn't enjoying myself. I put myself through the mill last year and didn't have a lot to show for it at the end. I'm not doing that this time.
I was following Hal Higdon's "Advance I" training plan but that's 6 days a week and was due to be 50 miles this week. I'm not prepared/capable of putting that level of training. So I've decided to drop down a couple of levels to the Intermediate I. I ain't running Lochaber to win it - I'm running it for the fun of it - and that includes the training.

After Lochaber is over I'm going back to doing 10K's - they don't take over your life so much

Liferaft spotted

2006-02-13T11:14:00.000Z

[Whirr of chopper blades brings Rob alive]

OK I've been floating on the sea of self-pity for a couple of days. I took Wynthorpes advice and went out for a run of some description on Wednesday evening. That went alright except I came back with a blister on my heel and the heel cushioning on my shoe rubbing away. To make matters worse the blister became infected so no running since then. The infection has cleared but I'm still in a CBA mood.

Saw the Doc on Wednesday. Didn't asked to be signed off even though she did ask the direct "what do you want to do about work?" question. Settled on a comprimise I'm stepping back to 5 hours a day to allow me to have more time in bed and a bit of calm time before going into work. So far it seems to be working.

Sleep remains a problem I get about 5 hours then I wake up and can't really settle and worry about all sorts of things I haven't got MrsW Valentine card (sorted now!) what layout am I going to use in the loft? None of it really important but just stuff that pops into the head at 3 in the morning and won't go away.

Must run this evening. Perhaps I'll call MrsW and make sure she kicks me out the door....

Emergency Power

2006-02-07T20:36:00.000Z

I've been in a serious CBA mood for a week now. I haven't run since last Wednesday and don't see myself running for a another couple of days yet. Sleepless nights are continuing. Its odd no matter what time I go to bed I wake up less than 5 hours later. Don't know what's causing it. It made work today a real struggle. I've also started eating a lot more than I normally do - comfort eating I suppose.

At times I question if I'm really tired or is it that I'm just lazy. I've got to go and see my Doc this week. She hasn't got any routine appointments left for this week so I have to phone first thing tomorrow and get a "on-the-day" appointment. This might not be that bad an idea as I can work from home in the morning until its time for my appointment. Chance to get some quiet time and maybe a bit longer in bed. I some ways I hope she signs me off - I could take some sick leave but I'd feel like a fraud. If she signs me off then the company won't actually let me into work so there won't be the I'm feeling better so I'll go in sooner temptation.

Pixie, if your reading this you'll want to stop now as you won't be interested in the next bit. Insultated and floored more of the loft on Saturday so I've now got space to build my train layout. The thin controller is really excited about it and has started a folder with all of the sketches of possible layouts we've thought of. Its my birthday in a couple of weeks time and I think I know what I'm getting - a train alright I choose it from the Hornby website and the thin controller wrote down the reference number. I think MrsW will be off with him to the model shop to get it soon.

Need to go now as MrsW is into really serious research mode and she wants on the computer!!

Company Doc

2006-02-02T21:45:00.000Z

Another poor nights sleep last night. Woke up at 3 tossed and turned got back to sleep to wake up again at 5, tossed and turned and finally dragged myself out of bed at 7. Didn't stop yawning all day. Didn't help that I had a 2 hour minute that was so boring I was nodding off. I'll think I'll find a reason not to go to the next one!

Didn't run at lunchtime
1) The meeting overran so it was late and I was really hungry

2) I couldn't muster the energy to go

Went to see the company Doc this afternoon and he asked me how it was going. Good and bad was my response. Told him about me avoiding this document and sleepless nights.

His view was that I'm getting better but not up to full strength. Avoiding the document is probably down to me sub-conciously knowing I don't have the concentration levels to deal with it. Here and now concentration is fine but longer periods are a problem. He's recommended I stay on restricted hours ( 30pw ) until I see him again in 2 weeks time. We can then re-assess the situation.

Need to get off the computer now. MrsW wants to do some research!!

Confession Time

2006-02-01T19:10:00.000Z

MrsW is out with the kids so I've got computer time. Her search for details on her ancestors is becoming relentless.

What I've I been up to?

Laid some new loft insulation and started flooring parts of the loft in preperation for the model railway I'm going to build up there.

Ran 8 miles on Monday HR said it was a comfortable pace (Ave 145) but the pace was quite reasonable at 8:42 m/m

Did some Hill work today - or perhaps I should say gentle incline work. I'm not very good at hills but someone did say you should practise what your not very good at.

Work has some teething problems. I've had a bit of work on my desk since I came back and I haven't touched it. I'm now getting chased by managers for this so I decided I'd better face up to it and told him that I hadn't done anythig with it, in fact I was avoiding working on it.

Its not because the work is difficult, its just that I can't seem to deal with it. Everything else seems to be OK, I'm chasing down issues, being active in discussions and making sound decisions, its just I can't face working on this document.

Well they say a problem shared is a problem halved, I may get someone to help me with it. I'll do the thinking part they can do the writing part.

I'm off to see the Company Doc tomorrow and I'll mention it to him. I've also got to go back to see my own Doc next week and we'll probably talk about it as well.

Ancient History

2006-01-28T19:18:00.000Z

WARNING THIS COULD GET LONG

Access to the computer has been a bit difficult the past couple of days - MrsW seems to have taken it over. It all started with a coin, quite an old coin in fact. MrsW's Great-Uncle dug it up a long time ago and she was looking it what it actually was. The answer a King Menander drachma from 150 BC. Its not valuable but it is very interesting in that it was found in Hampshire very near the South Downs. King Menander came from what is now modern day Afganistan.

We found an article written by an Oxford academic about one was discovered in Tenby in Wales about 100 years ago. Sadly the museum that was keeping has since mislaid it. We dropped the academic an e-mail to let him know that we had one found in Hampshire. We were expecting an e-mail saying "thanks, but so what". What we did get was a quite excited academic who beleives it was brought here in ancient times which makes it very very unusual. He's off to talk to some colleagues and then get back to us.

That was only the start of it. MrsW is now locked up into full "Who do you think you are?" mode finding out more about her Great-Uncle and that side of the family. So far she reached back to the 1891 Census and her Great-Great Grandparents, and she show no sign of giving up!

Managed another 20 miles over the past 3 days. Did another cardiac drift test yesterday. Still think I'm running too fast

Lap	Time	Ave HR
1	10:13	152
2	10:14	154
3	10:15	155
4	10:16	157
5	10:15	159
6	9:54	162 - OK I put the foot down

Total distance: 7:71
Time: 1:01:08
Ave Pace 7:56

As it was cutback week this week today's run wasn't long and slow more sort-of-long and comfortable. I won't bore you with the in-depth details but the headlines were

Total distance 9.66
Time: 1:24:25
Ave Pace 08:44
Ave HR: 150

From these 2 runs I think 8:30 should be my marathon target pace, that would work out at a sub 3:45 marathon. We'll see I'll settle for anything better than last year at FLM.

Withdrawal symptoms

2006-01-25T17:52:00.000Z

Cold has got much better over the past couple of days. Was well enough for a 3 mile plod yesterday. Forced myself out of bed this morning to go and do my interval sesion on the treadmill. Now up to 5 repeats of 800m @ 6:58 pace

Heartrate was very stable and to honest a bit low 159,157,159,161,162. I think I'm not pushing myself hard enough I either need to run faster or shorten the recovery time. By the time I'd finished I'd covered 7 miles.

Work day was a bit odd started off OK got a few things out of the way, then lapsed into an aimless day no meetings to go to, not being motivated to do anything. I recgonise these symptoms. By 4 o'clock I was getting anxious for no reason and also felt as if I was beginning to shake.

Wandered straight round to the boss and said things weren't too good and I was going home early. If I wasn't in tomorrow he'd know why. "Sure thing Rob" was his reply. I've got an appointment with the company Doc tomorrow so I'll do my best to keep that.

I'm not that concerned about not feeling great

1) Other people are feeling a lot worse with other things
and
2) I'm coming to the end of my wean off period.
I didn't have any fluoxetine today and its been alternate days for the past week, so a slight downward turn is to be expected. Start the new stuff tomorrow.

One thing is for sure I'm sleeping a lot better at nights now.

Sniffle Sniffle

2006-01-23T20:27:00.000Z

Yep - I've got a cold (or is it man flu?)

Probably not helped by having to stand at a ferry terminal for 90 minutes yesterday morning waiting for a coach to come and take us to the ground the kids were playing at.

So sensible head on today no running.

Finally got all the radiators in the house to go warm at the same time. Though I think MrsW was thinking I was losing it when I was going round the house saying "I can hear you little air bubbles and I'm coming to get you" while waving a radiator key around.

I need to get out more often don't I ;-)

First 100 miles

2006-01-21T16:07:00.000Z

Managed to convince myself that I should do my long slow run this morning. I wasn't in the best of shapes for running, late night and yesterday's 7 miler had left me feeling a bit drained. The ice on the cars was also giving me second thoughts.

I think the Garmin was picking up on my bad vibes as it decided to switch itself off once and then give up with dead batteries at about mile 8. This miffed me as I had changed them night before. Perhaps I should start making a case for a new one, one that does pretty graphs. Luckily I was running the same route as last week with an extension at the beginning so I could judge the total distance.

Distance: 14.1 (ish)
Time: 2:11:50
Ave HR: 145

The run also brought up the 100 miles for the year. I'm tired now glad its rest day tomorrow and cutback week next week. Only problem is BigW is playing Rugby on the Isle of Wight tomorrow and we need to be at the ferry terminal for 8:30. Early bed for me tonight then

New Gadget

2006-01-20T21:56:00.000Z

I've commenced the weaning off of the Fluoxetine. I didn't have any yesterday. I'll admit I didn't really feel any different yesterday. I did sleep much better last night, still fitfull but better than the middle of the night wake-up's I've had recently.

Spoke to my boss about the situation, he was as every great. I'm not to step up my hours next week. I was due to go to another company's offices next week for some tech-head discussion, but I'm not going now as its one less thing for me to worry about. I will confess that I did do more hours than I was supposed to this week. Somethign took my interest and I stuck with it - don't know if that's good or bad.

Been doing some more work on the Thin Controllers railway. The track is laid and is about half tacked down. The tacks ain't half fiddly though. Only problem is he wants and extentsion to the baseboard already!!

I have the offical role of making the tea first thing in the morning. MrsW doesn't function very well if she doesn't get her tea in bed. Problem is with me not going to work so early her tea isn't ready in time, so I bought a new kitchen gadget. A drinks maker, bit like to old teasmaid but electronic and it can make me a coffee at the same time - clever ehh.

Oh yeah being running the past couple of days. Today's effort was 7.12 miles in 1:00:38 (Ave pace 8:31 Ave HR 153). Again a run I can be pleased with. Tomorrow will be interesting the long slow run at the end of the week. Maybe another jog round the seaside.

Change of treatment

2006-01-18T21:42:00.000Z

Was lucky enough to get an appointment to see the Doc today. What's even better was it was an evening appointment. Told my boss that I had an appointment to discuss my problems sleeping and he was and walking me off to the coffee shop for a cup of tea and a chat. He asked if everything was OK did I want to make any changes etc etc. I reassured him that I was fine it just that the sleepless nights were giving me problems.

Talked to the Doctor explained that I was still having problems with sleep and it wsa beginning to become an issue. She offered me 2 courses of treatment

1) A short term perscription of mild sleeping pills to see if it was just a remenant of the depression
or
2) A change to a less agitating medication.

I didn't liek the sleeping pills route, as if it is the Fluoxetine that is giving me the problems then the sleeping pills may mask the problem but when I stop them I'll be back to square one. So option 2 please. She thought it was a good long term plan as well. So I've got some new medicine - can't remember the name of it at the moment.

Changing medicine could get a little tricky. I have to wean myself off the Fluoxetine by taking it on alternative days before starting the new stuff. The problem with that is I could go back to being nervous/upset etc etc before the new stuff starts taking effect. Oh Joy!

The Doc offered to sign me off if need be but I said I would like to carry on. If I didn't feel up to working then I would just phone in sick. If it carried on then I would phone her and get an appointment/sick note.

I'll speak to he boss tomorrow and explain the situation to him. He'll then understand if I don't come in one day or go home at very short notice.

On the positive side I went for a run afterwards, schedule said tempo run and I felt like turning up the speed. So a gradual build of speed and then on warp factor 8 for a couple of minutes then slow down.
Here is the vital stats

Mile	Time	HR
1	9:21	145
2	8:21	158
3	7:01	171
4	8:37	163
4.54	4:58(9:15m/m)	146

Total 4.54 miles in 38:19, Ave HR 157 and Ave pace of 8:26. Again I'm quite pleased with that effort.

Interesting discovery

2006-01-17T21:45:00.000Z

We have heat in the house in all bar 2 rooms the hall and the Lounge. The new radiators will are fitted its just they need connecting up to the rest of the system. I must say the plumbers have been excellent, though perhaps me making sure they were well watered with tea and feed with Ginger nuts helped!

As I type MrsW is putting the house back together.

The thin controller was a bit miffed yesterday when I told him we couldn't work on his model railway, though I was able to placate him by showing him the new track. I think I know what I will be doing at the weekend.

Managed a run this evening

7.1 Miles
1:04:12
Ave Pace 9:03
Ave Hr 145

Beginning to feel better about my running. I'm not running as fast as I was last year but I do seem to be running better - work that one out.

Now for my interesting discovery.

As you probably know I've been having problems with my sleep, waking up in the early hours of the morning and not been able to get back to sleep, just doozing. This has been getting me down at times. I've put this down to the depression as early waking is a sympton. However something had been bothering me. Previously I would wake up early in the morning realise what the time is and roll over and go back to sleep. Now I can't get back to sleep.

I was just chatting to someone about what medication I was on when I realised that this particular kind of sleepless nights started when I started my medication (fluoxetine). In fact when I first started taking it they were horrendous. So I put in Fluoxetine and insomnia and found this. I've cut the interesting bit out

"Anxiety and Insomnia:
During premarketing clinical trials, anxiety, nervousness and insomnia were reported by 10 to 15% of patients treated with fluoxetine. These symptoms led to discontinuation of the drug in 5% of the patients. "

So - It seems that insomnia is a fairly common side effect of my medication. Now I'm not stupid enough to just stop taking my medicine (it does its main job quite nicely thank you very much), but I will have to have a serious conversation with the Doc about it. MrsW posed an interesting question "If its the medicine, which is worse the insomnia or the depression?".

I don't think I have the answer to that one.

What a difference a day makes

2006-01-15T21:23:00.000Z

Thanks again for everyone's support yesterday, it was really appreciated.

MrsW and I had a little talk when she got back from work. She thought I was a bit "fed-up" yesterday morning and she regretted letting me wimping out on my run. She did however offer to take the boys to rugby on her own to let me go out for a run. With an offer like that I couldn't turn it down.

Disappeared out of the door ready to do a long one but prepared to take whatever the body (or mind) was willing to give. It turned out they were both prepared to give a fair bit! 13 miles in 2 hrs and 47 seconds. Averageing 9:17 per mile and HR of 144

Mile	Pace	HR
1	9:04	140
2	9:20	145
3	9:05	141
4	9:20	143
5	9:29	143
6	9:15	142
7	9:15	141
8	9:14	145
9	9:17	143
10	9:19	143
11	9:12	150
12	9:22	147
13	9:30	147

Net effect is that I'm well pleased with that run. Ok I sort-of rigged the route by running along the seaside for a fair bit but that left me with the lovely hill at Mile 11. Anyway Lochaber is as flat as a pancake and they say you should do runs that mimic the race course.

More time spent on the Thin Controllers model railway. The base board is now painted the closest colour to grass that I could find in a tester paint pot. Trouble is the Thin Controller now expects me to go and get the track tomorrow and have it ready for when he comes home from school. Excuse me we've got the plumbers in tomorrow and I may be a little busy!!!

That reminds me, the plumbers will need to take up the study floor so I'll have to disassembly the computer and put it out of harms way. I'll try to blog from one of the boys computers but don't worry if you don't hear from me for a couple of days.

Tired and worried

2006-01-14T14:01:00.000Z

I'm feeling a bit low at the moment. My sleep has being getting worse not better. Woke up again at 3 AM and only really got sleep in short snoozes from then on in. Couldn't face my Long Slow run this morning, it was due to be 13 miles but with MrsW working today and tomorrow I'll need my energy for the boys.

I suppose things are particularly stressful in the house at the moment as we are having the central heating upgraded next week. The plumbers will want the floor up in almost every room upstairs. MrsW has done another sterling job in moving things. The dining room is packed with chest of drawers and boxes of clothes, Big W's room isn't much better. I've got Monday off to help move things around but have to work the rest of the week so things are only going to get worse.

If the truth be told I'm worried that I'm on a downward slope again. I feel as if I'm as low as when things first started happening in November, I was planning to see the Doctor the week after next as part of a regular check-up. I think I may need to bring that forward.

Evening Edit

I'm glad to say things are looking better. The boys went and did their own thing Big W and middle W to the PS2, little W to the computer. This allowed me half an hour or so to just sit down ignore them and relax.

Took them out in the late afternoon to look at furniture - yeah boring but I want a new chest of drawers as my existing set are the 10+ year old MFI self assembly and are in danger of doing some self disassembly!! Saw a nice set but resisted the temptation to buy them as the last thing we need in the house next week is more furniture. I had warned them that I wasn't at my best but they were excellent at the shop. Then went and did some DIY shopping, well went to look but came out with stuff.

I've promised Middle W (Who I shall now call the Thin Controller) a shelf model railway so I bought the bits and pieces to make the baseboard. It was quite interesting that all 3 of them where interested in how it was made and helped gather the materials.

Thin Controller then help me start to make it handing me clamps and screwdrivers, though he decided he was going to stand outside of the garage when I got the circular saw out! Its still a work in progress, but its something I have done to make a difference and the look on the Thin Controllers face as he helped certainly brought me some happiness.

Oh took a couple more photo's to show you what the dining room and Big W bedroom look like

Cardiac Drift Test

2006-01-13T22:49:00.000Z

Read an article by Windsurfing Susie about cardiac drift sometime ago and wanted to test how long I could hold a steady HR at a target rate of 8 min/mile.

Used a loop of 1.3 miles which also happens to be almost flat. This is what I came up with

Lap	pace	Ave HR
1 (inc warm up)	8:17	155
2	7:57	156
3	7:54	159
4	8:00	161
warm down	8:12	161

Total was 6.04 miles in 48:37 with an overall average HR of 158 and pace 8:03.

I'm not too sure what to make of it and I'm too tired to think about it now. If anyone has any ideas let me know.

Umm anything to say?

2006-01-12T12:54:00.000Z

Not a lot to say today. Forced myself to leave on time yesterday despite a problem breaking out. Nobody asked me to stay but I felt guilty leaving with it unresolved. I'll find out what happened later when the US wakes up.

Completed the treadmill session yesterday morning 4 * 800m. Slower pace than I used to run them but finished with lots in reserve.

Feel like having a snooze now as I didn't get a good nights sleep last night (again!). I wonder if anyone will say anything if I start snoring at my desk?

Getting better

2006-01-10T21:41:00.000Z

Up to 5 hours a day this week - what luxury I hear you say. A couple of people in the office are keeping an eye on me to ensure I don't overdo things. One chap stood at my desk tapping his watch and holding up 4 fingers, trying to tell me I'd done my 4 hours and I should be going home. I responded by holding up 5 fingers (I was on the phone at the time) and he said "Let you off then".

In a way that was quite good as I was tempted to work longer today because I hadn't done some of the things I wanted to and felt guilty. I then thought it was nothing that won't keep till tomorrow so left. I think this is a good sign, I believe it shows that I'm re-engaging with work, yet not let it rule me.

Running continues, though a bit aimless this week. Over cooked the 6 mile comfortable run on Monday by running too quickly and not backing off. Today's run was a recovery 3 that was just one foot being put in front of the other. Tomorrow should shake out the doldrums. I need to concentrate, its the return of the tready intervals.

End of the week

2006-01-07T22:45:00.000Z

Well made it to the end of the work week, though only just.

Had a really bad nights sleep on Wednesday night - so bad I considered not going into work but going to see the Doc instead. Decided to tough it out at work as I didn't need to be there until 11 and I had to see the company Doc anyway.

Saw the company Doc and had a , at times painful, chat. He went back through what had happened (the painful bit) and life over the past year. His opinion was much the same as my own Doc (he knows her BTW). No one thing had being getting me done, but a whole succession of things possibly even starting with being upset by what I considered was a poor FLM. He reckons I was probably running on emergency power for some time and on that weekend it gave out. His advice like everyone else is to take things steady and not push things.

I'm glad to say that since Thursday my sleep has been a lot, lot better. I suspect I was just worried about meeting the company Doc. Certainly feeling a lot brighter now, even managed a run this morning the first since Tuesday. A comfortable 9 miles in 1hr 21min 30 (ave 9:02) with an Average HR of 145. Nice way to round off the running week.

Booble hats

2006-01-04T21:41:00.000Z

WARNING THIS POST HAS A HIGH GEEK CONTENT

Another day at the office, was planning to do an interval session before starting but had another poor nights sleep and was just too tired. If these sleep problem continue into next week I'll be going back to the Doc sooner than I planned. Having said that I've got an appointment to see the Company Doctor tomorrow, so I'll mention it to him as well. It seems my Boss and an HR representative talk to him before I go and see him. Could be an interesting conversation.

I've not got on well with my Christmas present (PS2) can't really play any of the games. After watching one of the Top Gear presenters doing a program about toys from the past and finishing with a Model Railway I've been hankering after a Train Set. MrsW thought it would be good for me to have a hobby. I'll admit I had a Train Set about 20 years ago and I loved that.

I only went and bought one this afternoon with some extra track. Its only a small one and is currently on the floor in BigW's Room but its great. MrsW has given me permission to set a permanent one up in the loft. The boys love it and want to buy their own things for it, Bah who needs Playstations....

Back to work

2006-01-03T21:14:00.000Z

I didn't sleep very well last night, something to do with going back to work this morning. As I'm only doing part time I had enough spare time to go for a short recovery run, though with hindsight I wished I'd given it a miss, it left me feeling really tired.

I was apprehensive about today, how would I be treated? what would people say? I stood at the entrance briefly, took a deep breath and stepped in. I hadn't gone 5 steps before meeting someone "Hi Rob" and the person kept on walking, no big song and dance which is the way I wanted it. Went to say hello to the managers before heading for my desk just in case tehre was anything I needed to know before I even sat down. My boss wanted to chat to me, but had to see to something first.

Logged on ( I even remembered my passwords!!) and opened the dreaded inbox. A couple of people were taking good humoured guesses at how many e-mails I would have. 800, 1000, 1500? In the end the answer was 1432, yes that's one thousand four hundred and thirty two e-mails. Won't be reading all that will I? to be fair 1100 hundred were from automated systems telling me people had put comments in Problem Reports or this was the daily Problem Report status. These were ruthless dispatched using a CTRL-A followed by the key marked "Del". I then chose a people that would talk to me if there was anything important and deleted their e-mails without opening them. A cursory glance at the rest, nothing of importance - delete. Out of the all my e-mails I replied to 3 and talked to someone about a 4th. What does that tell you about e-mail????

Spent the rest of my time having a one on one with my boss, talking to people finding out what was going on and booking an appointment with the "I'm going to hurt you but it's good for you" lady. Everyone was great, just the whispered "nice to have you back" or wave of the hand. I work with some really great people. By 2:30 I was very tired and ready to finish, but the difficult bit is behind me now.

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T15:52:00.000Z

A Happy New Year to one and all

Quite funny last night, all three of the little W's wanted to stay up for the bells and the fireworks. Small W made it to 11:10 before falling asleep on the floor, the other 2 were rewarded with a fantastic show of fireworks from some of the neighbouring houses. Unfortunately we also had to put up with a lot of foul mouthed shouting from some drunken chavs on their way somewhere or other. I think there is a definite market for a sound targeted machine gun, great for dealing with such disturbances - no repeat offences.

Started off the new on what I think is the right way, with a run. A long slow run. I was supposed to do it yesterday but as I didn't get to my bed until 2:30 on Friday (or should I say Saturday Morning) I thought it wise to postpone it. Also thought it would be a nice way to celebrate the new year.

Finally managed to work out how to transfer an excel spreadsheet into a picture which saves me the hassle of handtyping an HTML table everytime, though I've still got to type up the spreadsheet. I've no idea what happened in mile 3 its 90 seconds slower than anything else. I suspect its a Garmin fault it did lose the signal for a bit.

I was very pleased with the run, good consistent times, mile 8 onwards are slower and higher HR because they are a little undulating but the averages are good.

Seconds out, round 2

2005-12-30T15:11:00.000Z

Survived the night with 2 quilts on the bed, while the little W's were all tucked up into one bedroom with all their blankets, quilts and soft toys to keep them warm.

But now onto the main event.

In the blue corner we have a British Gas engineer

In the Red Corner we have our central heating system

"Ding Ding - round 2"

True to their word British Gas came this morning to fix the boiler, except the today's engineer couldn't get the thing to work at all,even with the boiler isolated. I couldn't believe it we were further away from an answer than last night. Eventually after 2 hrs and having taken very piece of the control circuit apart the problem was found. The frost thermostat on the boiler was shorting to earth.

"I don't have a replacement" says the engineer ", but I've turned it down so far that it won't cut in so your system will work, while I go get a replacement". Quick check that the pipes are heating and he's off.

It was then that MrsW and myself noticed a problem, the bolier is on, there is hot water but why are the radiators not getting warm???? Was just about to place another call to British Gas when the engineer re-appeared to fit the thermostat. I'm pleased to say this problem was very quickly traced and fixed, so we now have central heating. YIPEEEEEEE

Oh yeah - also went out running, was the only way I could get warm this morning. Another comfortable run where I started to get my thoughts together for going back to work next week. I didn't even bother to catch my average HR for my mile splits or pay too much attention to what the Garmin was saying. Overall run stats where 5.12 miles in 43:35 with an AHR of 152, those figures most certainly brought a smile to my face, or is just the

The central heating is offline Captain

2005-12-29T20:06:00.000Z

It was cold morning this morning and that was just the bedroom. No wonder the radiator was cold - Odd is the timer up the spout? Looked in the airing cupboard, timer not on. Ahh has the circuit breaker tripped? Oh that's in the garage. Struggled into my running kit and went and reset the circuit breaker, still no joy. Replace the fuse in the timer still no joy. Check the circuit breaker again, its popped. This only means one thing - I can't fix it!!!

Phone call (@9:00) to British Gas to come out and fix it.

BG: "Are you elderly sir?"
Me: "Um no, but I do have 3 children and no hot water or central heating"
BG: "Ok sir we'll put you on the emergency list for today"

Decide the best way of getting warm was to go out for a run, just a slow gentle recovery run but enough to warm me up. 3 miles in 29:29 with an AvHR of 141.

My PS2 stopped working last night, so took it back to the shop to change it, no bother. Go home plug it in and the new one doesn't work either GRRRRR. Back down to the shop, they're a bit surprised and check the machine, yep its not working. Get a new one, check it in the shop yes it works haven't connected it all up at home yet though.

In the meanwhile the gasman turns up at about 5 o'clock. 45 minutes later he's worked out that its the boiler at fault and he hasn't got the parts to fix it. He ordered a part, hopefully its right part and they'll come and fit it tomorrow morning, so no heating tonight never mind we can all look at the snow outside!

Better go now, MrsW has the fan heater downstairs and my fingers are beginning to freezeeeeee

What the Doc said

2005-12-28T22:24:00.000Z

Today was the day I went to see the Doc again. Early morning appointment so no run, went to the surgery and said "Hi I'm Mr W with an appointment to see Dr G at 8:40". Sadly the response was "Not see to see Dr G you haven't", "but I'd made this appoinmtent 2 weeks and here its in my diary". "Sorry no appointment". Luckily she had a spare appointment at 9:30, so it was no big deal

2nd attempt to the Doc. Went in and had a friendly little chat with her. Talked about my restless nights. She thought it was just a part of the depression not quite settling down yet, but if they not giving me a big problem at the moment don't worry about them. We talked about going back to work, how I've got part-time working sorted out, how I can have my inbox deleted if its too much for me to cope with when I go back and that I've got a very supportive manager. I'm very pleased to say that we both agreed that I can go back to work. I nearly jumped for joy.

Went home broke the good news to MrsW then disappeared out the door for a quick 30 minute tempo run, before the entire family went out for lunch with some friends. One of the friends actually works with me and was telling me that everyone has been worried about me but will be very pleased to see me back.

Today was a very good day indeed. Thanks again everyone for your help

Post Turkey Trot

2005-12-26T22:19:00.000Z

Phew - Christmas is over with for another year. Trained the kids into not coming down till at least 8AM. Was about one nanosecond after 8 when they went downstairs. We knew it wasn't going to be much after 8 when we heard the countdown coming from their bedrooms. They were really please with their presents, though I think they are more pleased with my present (PS2) than anything else, don't think I've had a go on it yet!

MrsW turned in her usual star performance in the kitchen, bringing the Christmas Lunch together like clockwork.

She even prodded me into getting out the door this morning. I needed a prod, not quite with it this morning. Had a good run all the same, one of these comfortable runs that are fun to do, fast enough to have the "I'm running quickly" feeling without been so fast that you start thinking "Why am I doing this".

Bit odd out and about, despite it being 9:30 it was very quiet even by the main road. Everyone was probably nursing hangovers or indegestion.

Mile	Pace	HR
1	8:38	147
2	8:02	155
3	8:02	156
4	7:46	158
5	7:38	171- yes it is an uphill finish
5.14	1:00(7:03)	180 - I did say it was an uphill finish
41:07	8:00	158

The run ended up reminding me why I run, because I enjoy it!!!

Sneaking out

2005-12-24T17:37:00.000Z

MrsW went and secured the Turkey and Ham this morning. She wisely decided to leave the car at home and walk down to the town. Of course a Turkey and large piece of Ham weigh a bit, so there was this bizarre sight of her setting off with a 2 wheeled luggage trolley to bring it back on.

With her mission successfully completed and everything else under control I was allowed to sneak out for a run, well disappear for an 1hr and 40 minutes if the truth be told. First Long run in 5 weeks and by the end it was beginning to feel like it.

Mile	Pace	HR
1	9:31	148
2	9:22	144
3	9:10	139
4	9:21	140
5	9:24	142
6	9:19	145
7	9:07	142
8	9:23	147
9	8:44	147
10	9:54	151
10.2	9:41	140
1:34:55	9:20	144

Rest day tomorrow - oh its Christmas Day anyway.

Everyone have a happy christmas

Not so proper training

2005-12-23T21:38:00.000Z

This week has been the usual pre-christmas fayre. Took the kids to the Isle of Wight to see Father Christmas at the Steam Railway. Used the MPV to its full capacity and took MrsW's brother and his daughter as well. I think everyone had a good time, except maybe middle-W as he didn't like his present. Only downside was I didn't get to run.

Thursday was run-less as well. Had an electrician coming in the morning to fit some new sockets and had to clear things away. Then a coffee with the boss at the Starbucks near work - he won't allow me on site while I'm off sick, probably frightened I'll log-on and try and read my e-mails. We had a good chat about this and that, am I happy with the work-up plan, looking forward to coming back etc etc. Couldn't run at Lunchtim either as (and I'll have to say this quietly) I was invited to the Quality Assurance Christmas Lunch. I hasten to add I'm not in QA but I do make sure people obey the rules, which makes their lives a lot easier.

So that brings me to today. Good run this morning. Supposed to be Steady run, Which I'm pleased to say it was, though I'll let you play spot the hill!

Mile	Pace	HR
1	8:42	145
2	8:04	154
3	8:14	157
4	8:03	157
5	8:14	160
5.48	8:51	166
45:34	8:19	156

Unfortunately just found out that tomorrow's run may be at risk. For some reason MrsW has to go and collect a Turkey and piece of Ham in the morning. She's even been given a timeslot to go and pick it up 9-10. How is someone supposed to fit a long run in before then?? I'll just have to be determined and go out when she comes back.

Proper Training

2005-12-19T21:48:00.000Z

Today is day 1 of Hal Higdon's 18 week Advanced-I marathon training program, so proper objective running. Well that was the intention anyway. The schedule said comfortable pace with the following quote "Feel free to punch the acceleration button if you're feeling good, particularly toward the end of the workout". I think I punched the acceleration button the moment I went out the door. Good news was I did actually feel quite comfortable - well sort of.

1	8:34	148
2	8:17	157
3	8:18	161
4	8:12	167
5	7:46	172
5.47	3:26 (7:23 m/m)	180
44:36	8:09	162

Now some worrying news, over the past couple of nights my sleep has become disturbed again. Waking up at 4 or 5 in the morning. Fortunately I'm able to get some more sleep but it is a symptom of depression which I haven't had for a couple of weeks now. Apart from that I feel OK but its probably worth mentioning to the Doc when I see her next week.

End of Term

2005-12-16T22:07:00.000Z

Busy couple of days.

Returned to interval training yesterday - something simple, 3 * 5min at 1/2 Mara pace. Well what used to 1/2 mara pace - probably more like what I would be capable of for a 10K at the moment :-(

Back at the school in the afternoon for mince pies - sort of thank you from the school for everyone that has helped them in some way or other. Got roped into doing some governor work while I was there. Got told that MrsW has a new job - as a Lunchtime supervisor (Dinner Lady in old speak). It seems this kind of staff is a little difficult to recruit so even mentioning the vacancy gets the response "OK to start tomorrow?"

Took my new shoes out for a run today, quite tired this morning so kept a lid on it and only did 3.5 miles. It was then time to do some food shopping. MrsW had a list specially designed for some money off vouchers we had - well that was the plan! Came out having spent about double what we had planned, at least we got the money off was MrsW response.

The little W's have now finished school for Christmas. I can now expect to field a lot more questions and resolve border disputes on Multi-player Age of Empire, maybe I should go back to work for some peace and quiet.....

Christmas Trees

2005-12-14T22:04:00.000Z

No run this morning as I had an early appointment with Q the counseller. It turned out to be a fairly brief session. We talked about what I had been up to, how I was feeling etc etc. Came to the conclusion that I was well on the way to be mended. He believes that the depression was kicked off by a succession of minor things culminating in a mini-crisis a few weeks ago. Now that I'm under the care of the Doctor and on medication there is no need to probe further. I agree with him, life was tough for a while, not bad, just tough. It happens to lots of people and is merely a chemical imbalance in the brain, which Prozac corrects.

Enough of the physco-analysis.

Spent the afternoon looking at Christmas trees. I've never had a real tree and MrsW hasn't had one since her father died 20 years ago, so we decided to have a real one this year. Went to about 4 different places (MrsW can be really fussy sometimes!)before finally settling on a nice 6 ft tree. Well we thought it was nice until we got it home!

Put it in a bucket of earth and manovoured it into position in the lounge, still wrapped in its mesh covering they put it in for transport. So far so good. Then we cut the netting off. It didn't look that big when we bought it.......

Listen to the Doctor

2005-12-12T20:46:00.000Z

Back to running today YIPEE- its been 10 days since I last ran. Easy 5 miles just to make sure everything was OK after my cold (and curry the previous night!). 5.1 miles in 50min 10, good base training stuff I suppose.

Tried to make an appointment to see the Doc but was told that she was fully booked today and then out for the rest of the week. Bit of a problem my sick note runs out Wednesday. Explaine the situation to the receptionist who said not a problem and made a telephone appointment for this afternoon.

Called the Doc at the given time and had a chat. Although I'm feeling a lot better, her professional judgement was that I should not go back to work yet. Her reasoning was that I've only been on Prozac for 2 weeks and the first week can be really horrible ( I noticed!!), she would rather I gave it a couple more weeks to really settle down before doing anything else. I really wanted to go back to work, but she is the expert so I decided to follow her advice. I'm now on sick leave until 3rd Jan. I've to see her between Christmas and New Year and we can make a start/no start decision then.

2 weeks ago when I was told to stay off I was gutted and felt really down. Today I wasn't too bothered. I'd like to go back but not at the risk of the making things worse. Phoned the boss to tell him - his words where "That's an opinion I fully support". We've arranged to meet at Starbucks near work this week to have a chat about this and that.

See I do listen

Looking forward

2005-12-10T11:08:00.000Z

Another couple of good days.

Went to see middle W in his Christmas performance at school. You could tell a lot of hard work had been put in by the children and staff and it was a pleasure to watch.

Finally decided what I wanted for Christmas and went out an bought it. I'll now need to start reading game reviews to work out what's the best.

Had a telephone conversation with the Boss. I'm feeling a lot and I mean a lot happier now and am actually looking forward to going back to work. Hopefully the Doc agrees with me next week. It seems that as I've been off for 4 weeks I have to be seen by the company Doc before I can start back at work. I think they are just satisfing themselves that I'd be really fit to return. The Boss has a work-up plan for me when I go back. Basically start off with 20 hrs for the first week, then up by 5 hrs per week until I get back to the full 40 hrs, that sounds very fair.

Had dinner last night with a couple of Work colleagues from the States that are over. We didn't actually discuss work (I suspect they were told not to!), but they brought lots of well wishes from people in the office. People at work are genuinely worried about me, but this causes me concern. I don't want to wrapped in cotton wool, yes I need to be careful but I need to get back to performing a useful role. Perhaps that's running before I can crawl, need to be passed fit by the Doc first....

Back to school

2005-12-07T22:09:00.000Z

Much better sleep last night so I was feeling a lot better this morning, which was fortunate as I was helping out at the school in the morning.

Mr G (the teacher) had asked me to listen to some of the children reading their books. What was a bit odd was he phoned up in the morning to tell me to put a vest on. It seems I was to be spending some of the morning outside!

Turned up had a brief chat with the office staff, grabbed a coffee and was presented with a reading folder and a digital thermometer/noise measuring device. It was then the evil plan was explained.

As part of their work Yr 3/4 where looking at their school environment with a view to putting a quiet area in the playgorund. What they had to decide was where to put the quiet area. Things to be considered where warm spots in the playground and noise readings. My job was to take a group of them outside during class to gather a set of readings. This turned out to be quite a bit of fun.

The reading was also good. I got a real sense of pleasure from helping out the children when they struggled with some words and discussing what the story was about. When I went home at lunchtime I actually feel as if I had achieved something worthwhile and for the first time in a while I remember smiling just because I was feeling happy. :>)

Exhausted

2005-12-06T20:33:00.000Z

I was at a real low point yesterday evening. Sleep has been a real problem for me the past couple of days waking at 2 or 3 in the morning and not being able to get back to sleep. This in itself is depressing but the constant tiredness it brings is worse.

Last night at 6 o'clock I was done in. I was tired,irritable and on the border of tears. Managed to hold on till about 10 then went to bed. Woke up with a coughing fit from my cold at 1 in the morning and felt like screaming. I can handle being woken in the middle of the night by the kids, because once they are sorted out I can normally get back to sleep, but when I wake up of my own accord I just can't get back to sleep. I opted to get up and get a bottle of water and bring it upstairs and sip it. That seemed to calm the cough and was able to get some sleep albeit in 90 minute chunks, before the next coughing fit and sip of water.

I felt better this morning, not great but better. The cold is receding quickly so hopefully tonight will be a better nights sleep. MrsW cheered me up by taking in me into John Lewis at Southampton for some Christmas shopping. Good trip, got MrsW present and a couple of things for the boys, but not mine. I have a choice to make my main present needs to be a gadget but what?

We looked at DVD recorders but I want one with an inbuilt Hard Drive and they cost too much. Tea and Coffee maker - MrsW liked that because it was programmable so the drinks would be ready in the morning or and this was a MrsW suggestion, a PS2! I'm not a great game player but MrsW thought it would be fun for me and the boys would like it as well. Something for me to think about

Bacon Butties

2005-12-04T21:57:00.000Z

Busy day today and all of it revolving round rugby.

Gran and Grandpa W had the Little Ws last night, so we got what passes as a lie-in. Well when I say lie-in I mean 8:30 before we had to get up collect the Little Ws and head off to Rugby training. Todays training was extra difficult as it was Big W's age groups turn for Kitchen Duty. Somewhere along the line I seemed to have gotten the reputation as being the kitchen expert so I get to sort it out and serve a couple of hundred bacon butties. I suppose I can be forgiven if I wake up in the middle of the night shouting "2 Bacon butties, 1 coffee, a tea and a hot chocolate".

I did mange to escape out long enough to see Big W play a match where he attempted to break some kid that upset him into pieces on the pretext the kid had the ball and Big W wanted it.

Quickly home stuck big W in the shower and then Me and Big W where off to Reading to watch London Irish v Cardiff Blues (middle and small W had a party to go to with MrsW). First time I've been to Premiership Club game but it was a great game was even on the TV! BBC's presence was quite useful because when the game was the other soide of the pitch we just looked up at the big screen and watched it there. :>)

Big W really enjoyed and was jumping up and down shouting "Irish!, Irish!" wearing his England top - Hmm will have to work that one out later. We are however making plans for Me and all the Little W's to go up and watch the game against Wasps on New Years Eve - that could be fun.

Depression

2005-12-03T22:12:00.000Z

I'm sufferring from Depression. There said it!

Its only after the last couple of days that I have come to realise that this is not something to be ashamed of. Something like 1 in 6 people suffer from it. In fact I've been astounded by the number of people I've spoken to that have actually suffered from it themselves.

Went to see Q the counsellor on Thursday. And we just talked about this and that. He seems pleased that I'm making all the correct noises and looking on the positive side of things, planning things like my Lochaber weekend. Got another session in just over a weeks time.

Helped with the School christmas fair last night. First time its been tried on a Friday, it seemed to raise just as much money as when its run Saturday except its a lot less hassle. Was speaking to one of the teachers that I get on well with (He taught Big W for 2 years and is now teaching Middle W - poor man). He offered me the chance to come in and help out at the school, either sitting with the children listening to their reading or perhaps even helping with some ICT classes. I think this would be a great idea. It allows me top put a bit of structure back into my day , have social interaction and do soemthing worthwhile.

Running has had to come a temporary stop again as I've had a recurrance of the cold (or caught a new variant) This one is being a pain as I'm not able to sleep properly with at night, making me tired during the day at least I hope its cold causing it not the depression (as its one of its effects). Nah got to be positive its the cold.

Finding things to do

2005-11-30T21:59:00.000Z

Went to see the boss yesterday. Had a good chat about this and that, how I was feeling what did I want to do when I came back that sort of thing. We talked about the amount of e-mail I'd have when I came back. He had a simple solution - get IT to delete my entire inbox. If there was anything really important people would send it again or talk to me when I'm back. To use his favourite phrase "That Works!"

Bumped into my friend that gave me the warning about overdoing the running. Told her I hadn't run for 4 days because of my cold. She said good, I felt like throttling her!!! I'm not doing a fantasticly large amount of running, I'm too sensible to jump up the miles but it does add a bit of structure to my day. The days are drifting by without any real purpose, which makes me feel worse at times. I've fixed the kitchen aerial, changed the defective light under the kitchen cabinet, ordered MrsW Christmas presents. What else do I do?

Was reduced today to going to the school and signing all the Christmas cards being sent out by the governors. All 51 of them. The worrying thing is I found it a struggle, kept on misspelling Christmas, a sign that my concentration levels are not what they should be.

On the bright side my cold has cleared to the extent that I can resume running, though the rest of the week will be gentle runs to be on the safe side.

Plan of attack

2005-11-27T22:30:00.000Z

The past 2 days have been better. I've started taking the medicine, though reading the list of possible side-effects was a little duanting!

Came down with a cold so running is currently off the agenda. Sneaked into work on Saturday morning to collect a few things from my locker and leave my sick note on the boss's desk. Proceeded to spend the rest of the day watching rugby at my parents house, while the small W's did their own thing. Spent today watching Big W playing a local rugby derby. Unfortunately they lost, but he did get one of his typical "I'll take the ball off you and crash through the backs" tries. I'm taking him to see some real rugby at London Irish next weekend. We are both looking forward to that.

Did some research on the Web about returning to work after a prolonged period of absence and came across a useful publication from the Health and Safety Executive. They make some useful recommendations and observations. The overall idea is that it can be very benifical to allow someone on sick leave to attend work part-time to allow them to feel valued and build their self-confidence and companies should actively support this. Armed with this info I've pinged an e-mail of the boss asking him if I can make the occasionaly visit into work, just to see everyone. i then want to get back doing some hours, may not be a lot, but would be a start.

Batten down the hatches

2005-11-26T08:34:00.000Z

Went to see the Doc yesterday, hopeful that I was going to be OK to return back to work. While sitting in the waiting room I was getting quite anxious. Had a good talk to her but as the consultation went on I realised I wasn't OK. I finally said "I'm not fit enough to go back am I?". She was honest and said that she had reached that conclusion but I had to realise that myself.

Net effect is I've been signed off for another couple of weeks, but I've also been perscribed medication. This bothers me because you hear stories about it and I need to take it for at least 6 months. I've got the pills but haven't actually started taking it yet.I suppose there is an underlying worry in that it could mean I'm in this for the long haul and that it potentially could be a rough journey.

Overall yesterday was a bad day. It is however now the past and I can't change that I must look forward to the future.

The Visit

2005-11-23T22:17:00.000Z

Another cold start this morning, but then what's new this week. Went for the 3 mile half-mara pace run with a mile and a bit either side for warm-up and down. Still very diappointed with my fitness at pace. Even opting for a conservative 7:30 pace left me struggling at the end of the 3 miles. Ended up covering the 3 miles in 22:06 with an average HR of 168, pity the last mile was averaging 176! Recovery run tomorrow.

On to the main event of the day my visit to the counsellor, for the sake of the blog I'll call him Q. Interesting experience he uses a bit of run down office space in town, the entrance to which is simply a door sandwiched between 2 shops, very easy to miss. Not a plush place at all, but I didn't mind it serves it purpose. He asked me what I wanted out of the session. I didn't really know. I said "I know I'm broken but I don't know what I need to fix". We talked about all sorts of things, relationships with my family, work and even running. He wanted to know if I run alone or as part of a group. Difficult one to answer, I run with a variety of different people depending on what I have in mind that day, but the long haul is on my own.

Not sure I got anything out of today which I didn't already know, but at least Q knows about now as well. Something for us to discuss next week....

I'm running up that hill

2005-11-21T19:53:00.000Z

I must be mad - Out my own free will, without a trianing plan and in the cold I did hill reps. Don't know what posessed me. Well I do actually, even the slightest bump on a run gets my HR up and I'm unable to get it back down. Its obvious I need to do hill training!!!

It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but then I was only playing with it. 3 reps of about 400 metres, times of 1:31, 1:36 and 1:34. Not bad spread I thought. Need to watch my mileage though. As I rearranged last week in 5 solid days of runs with Monday as rest I've now done 37 miles in 7 days. The 7 day figure has been graually growing to 30, but a jump of 7 miles is a bit much. With a 6 day running week planned for this week, that 7 day total is going to remain a little high until Saturday when I do my step back run.

Talking of Saturday did my first double digit run since 26th June on Saturday. Felt that was an accomplishment, it also brought up my first 30 mile week since the end of June as well.

What's been happening out of the running shoes? Saturday afternoon was spent watching Big and Middle W do their orange belt karate grading. I'm pleased to report they both passed. Grandma and Grandpa W offered to take the kids on Saturday night, which is quite fortunate as I got a phone call from a friend asking MrsW and I if we wanted to go out for drinks, would have been rude to turn the chance down.

I've made an appointment to see a counsellor on Wednesday to discuss things. Don't know what we are going to talk about but I'll let him probe around in a hope that it will help my recovery.

Wish me luck

Pudsey Bear and TV aerials

2005-11-18T21:35:00.000Z

Thanks to everyone that's been dropping notes, skyping etc etc. It means a lot to me

Big and Middle W did a fantastic job with the Pudsey cookies today. Between school and Cubs, they raised over £40 selling out at both venues. In school the demand was so great they came home with a list of people ordering cookies for next week! They are so pleased, the look on their faces was fantastic :-)

Sorted out the kitche aerial. That was a slog. Up into the loft break into the coax, add plugs and sockets then go downstairs to check the TV picture is OKNo-onene else in the house to look). It wasn't back upstairs, redo all the connections, back downstairs ahh that's better. Put the splitter in, back downstairs to double check, the pictures gone to rats. Need a powered splitter oh no power in the loft need to think about that one, in the meantime take the splitter out and continue to lay the cable. Finally get the cable into the kitchen, put the coax plug on and put the cable into the TV to see how bad the picture is. To my surprise its not bad considering its only 25 metres of coax not attached to anything, better than with the internal aerial. Mrs W is impressed, if need be now the cable is in place I'll add second aerial in the loft.

It was cold this morning when I was out running, but it was again another wonderful relaxing run. Went down a road that is blocked off to cars so lovely and peaceful. Even has fields on both sides with the whole scene finished off by the white frost, Fantastic. Of course I could take all this in because it was a recovery run. Stats are:

1	09:23	138
2	09:25	143
3	09:06	142
4	09:59	148
5	09:17	145
6	09:43	154
6.1	00:40	148
57:36	09:29	145

Coffee Shop Culture

2005-11-17T22:42:00.000Z

Went for a steady run this morning or it was supposed to be steady. Made the mistake of just taking off at steady pace instead of gently warming up. Not a good start, the climb in miles 2 and 3 didn't help the matter either. Completed the planned 4 miles but the HR was well over the top of where it should have been. The stats are:

1	08:11	159
2	08:11	163
3	08:10	170
4	07:54	171
Ave	08:07	166
Total Time	32:31

Had a lunchtime coffee with a friend who has had the same problem as I'm having just now. She has convinced me that I need to make use of the One on One counseling that is available, just need to bring myself to make the appointment. She also gave me an interesting warning. Don't overdo the exercise. Exercise produces serotonin which helps my problem, however if I do too much I may end up just masking the underlying problem to the extent that I may be passed fit to go back to work, but not actually be better.

Apart from that its the first time for a long time that I have just sat down and chatted to someone over coffee for the sake of sitting down and chatting. I found it quite fun looking at the different people in the Coffee Shop, Pensioners having a bowl of shop, office workers with their Pannini's and even some girl having what looked like a job interview.

The Little W's are all excited. Big W is selling Pudsey Cookies tomorrow in aid of Children in Need (the kitchen has been a Pudsey Cookie factory for the past week). What's getting them excited is that they got an mention on the bottom of the screen of Blue Peter yesterday!!! How cool is that for a 10 year old.

Just hope he sells them all now - Middle W should be able to help. He could charm the pants off a Nun and sell Eskimos Ice.

Aren't kids great :-)

Off the front line

2005-11-16T22:26:00.000Z

Went to see the Doc today, she said that work and I shouldn't mix for at least 2 weeks. I was a little taken aback by her diagnosis but it seemed to fit. Spoke to the boss afterwards to let him know and he was great about it. Told me to relax and take it easy. Though he did say I needed to hand my VPN (Virtual Private Network) token (little keyfob with changing numbers) to MrsW for the duration, just in case I was tempted to have a sneaky little look at my e-mail.

So what have I done with myself today? Not an awful lot, made a point of walking to and from the Doc's just to out the house for longer, got a Mocha from the new Cafe Nero in town. It had to be a Mocha to hide the taste of the Soya milk I have nowadays. Lounged around the house and of course to cheer myself up I went for a run.

MrsW advised me that it was cold outside, very cold. Nothing for it but the running tights (good job it was dark by the time I was going out). I had the most enjoyable run, recovery run but because it was dark I didn't pay too much attention to the electronics and just ran. What I needed really. Total of 6.18 miles in 1hr and 55 seconds with an average HR of 145.

While I'm off work I need to keep myself busy. So far the list has got

Run
Sort out an aerial feed for the kitchen
Run
Organise some electrical work - not doing it myself I hasten to add.
Run
Tune up the bicycles
Run
Sort out MrsW christmas presents - No its only November, thats a job for the last week before Christmas.

I may even dabble with some new computer languages, but that is a bit too much like work and I've to avoid that.

Struggling

2005-11-15T21:59:00.000Z

Sorry for not writing anything sooner but I've got problems to deal with. I'd rather not go into them in public but if any of the regulars want to chat you know where to find me.

Still managing to get the runs in, perhaps they are the only things keeping me going. Went running on Friday morning to work up an appetite as it was a help yourself cooked brekkie in the hotel, this was the regulation recovery run.

Saturday's run was the long run, managed to get upto 9 miles which is a 1/3 of my weekly total, just about right I'd say. It was a good run relatively consistent times (most where within 10 secs of each other) and an average HR within the target, can't be bad.

Which is more than can be said for today's run supposed to be a tempo run, the HR said it was fast enough, but the Garmin didn't agree I also blew apart towards the end of the 3 mile tempo section.

So what else has been happening? Got a new Hamster after poor Emma's demise back in May. Another girl this time by the name of Georgia. Middle W named her after his favourite girl at school. The Hamster has already nearly escaped after making a jump for freedom, pity it jumped straight into the box we were going to put her in.

Different day, Different hotel

2005-11-10T23:30:00.000Z

Felt much better this morning after a good nights sleep, was planning to go out for a run before I had to leave for my meeting but thought it would be easier if I didn't. Wise decision I feel, used the time more productively making MrsW her cup of tea and overseeing the little W's breakfast.

Went to my all day meeting (the one where I'm supposed to stay overnight less than 10 miles from home). Its been a reaonably productive meeting bit heavy on the management rubbish in the morning before some useful technical discussions. I must not complain too much about the management, they are paying for this in fact I think the bar bill is coming out of the managers own pocket.

Managed to sneak in a run between meeting and dinner, revisited some of the routes I used to runner when I was in Portsmouth Joggers. Absolutely pancake flat which has its advantages as I was able to run a very consistent HR and pace. I would give you the details but I'm sitting in the lobby just now and my running electronics are in the bedroom.

I don't normally make political statements but I will end this entry with one. I am so glad that the MP's stood up to that arrogant man that currently has the title of Prime Minister. I simply do not believe that the Police would need to hold someone for 90 days before they are able to find enough evidence to charge someone. And to claim that they would have help prevent the July the 7th attacks is a quite indecent claim to make. The security services weren't even aware of these people let along thinking about arresting them.

Long live democracy

Tired

2005-11-09T21:30:00.000Z

I don't know which is the harder work spending 2 days in London or a week in the States. Today I came to the conclusion its the 2 days in London. Early rise yesterday morning (5:30) to get ready and walk down to the station to catch the train, then a full day of quite intensive work followed by dinner with work colleagues and eventually getting back to the hotel gone 11. Then an awful nights sleep more work then a packed train journey home. I'm absolutely shattered and need my bed.

Enough of my whinging I've got a marathon to train for. Received my confirmation I'm number 90,so as some people are engaged in elbow to elbow running at FLM I'll be wandering round the wilds of Scotland with the occasional runner and sheep for company!

Since I last made a blog entry I've managed to get in 3 more runs. My long distance build up continues adn is back to 8 miles, did another Yasso session 6 reps and went for a very gentle plod round Central London. Took in Buck house, green park and Pall Mall - still brings back memories that last couple hundred yards. Not quite the same with no cheering crowd, only lots of crush barriers and some anti-chinese demonstrators.

Where has the time gone?

2005-11-03T21:22:00.000Z

Work is bordering on going absolutely mental. A major piece of work that we where under the impression wasn't going to be needed for a couple of years, now has top priority, so everone is running round like headless chickens. Meanwhile I've been asked to go up to London for a couple of days next week to review someone elses project. Oh then I have to go to a 2 day off-site meeting and stay overnight. What's wrong with that, well I live less than 10 miles from where the meeting is! Fortunately MrsW sees the funny side as well.

Been carrying on with my training with a gentle run yesterday, though I got absolutely soaked. spent the rest of the day with wet feet as I swapped a damp pair of orthotics into my work shoes - lovely. Today continued with the Yasso build-up, now up to 5. For some reason today's felt easier, until the last one anyway but that's the purpose of a gradual build-up.

Did something really stupid this afternoon. Sent off an entry for Lochaber and MrsW doesn't know yet. Thought it wise considering I'm aware most of next week.